The Art of Tolerating Pain

As the years have progressed I like to look at myself as a regular endurer of pain. I have done the same thing many times that results in me being incredibly sore, which is majorly stupid. Right? But still, being stupid does have its benefits.
I remember a time when I was out of shape and the first day of cross country freshman year of high school was one of the most eye opening experiences. Not monumental in retrospect but at the time all that was going through my head was, "Wow. Who knew that high school sport workouts were such a HUGE step-up from middle school?" Of course I expected a difference in intensity, but it still surprised me. It was too bad in reality. I had my older sister (who was a senior at the time) to ask a whole bunch of questions and complain to. But she was actually pretty good already, don't ask me how because I don't believe she ran too terribly much.
The second day came and the coaches got down to the more intense stuff, or so it seemed for a terrified little incoming freshman. I wasn't too bad for a freshman that hadn't run most of the summer, which made me feel better about myself and I had a friend that was the same level as me and we complained together. It's quite nice to have someone to complain with. Mutual pain is much more bearable than pain by yourself. Let me tell you how much that helped.
So the next day I heard my alarm go off, startled by the obnoxious buzzing noise of it vibrating on my bookcase. And as soon as I moved to sit up I felt it. One of the worst pains I had ever experienced. My back ached, muscles crying out to stop moving and return to bed. I gathered my foggy wits and decided that my back muscles hurting was okay. I could deal with that. So I moved to swing my legs over the side of the bed, the buzzing still insistent in the background and I felt it again. My thighs, hamstrings, calves, hips. They all cried out in pain, screaming to my nerves that I should just stop being motivated. Screw the alarm. I don't have to go to cross country today. But my mind decided otherwise. My legs were fine, I could deal with that. So I got up, hunched over in pain from the sheer action of standing and hobbled over to my phone. I reached out to silence the stupid thing and what do ya know? My entire arm was tight. My muscles hurt like no other. I didn't know the stupefying number of how many place you could hurt at once.
I still remember that first day of being sore. Yet that shocking pain did nothing to motivate me as the seasons went by. Track freshman year, didn't run in the off season either. Sophomore cross country, nope. Sophomore track, no again. Now it is my senior year and I have yet to learn the lesson. Maybe when track comes around. I'll make sure to run in this next off season. Am I telling the truth? I sure hope so. Am I gonna do it for sure? I sure wish I will. Can anybody know for sure if I will actually stick to it? Nope. I guess time will tell. The one thing I do know for sure though is that no matter if I run a lot or none at all, the first day won't be as painful as expected. Because the one thing I have learned from my stupidity in not running in the off season is that my body is getting more and more conditioned to my abusive laziness. I have now mastered the art of tolerating pain from being sore. It's just a fact. Will that affect my decision to do well during the season after I've already put myself through this, heck yeah. If my body is willing to deal with the pain then I'm willing to work harder to get better faster so I can catch up to the people who have a two month head start. I'm not gonna lie though. I can be honest with you guys. One of the only reasons I stay motivated about getting better anymore after not running off season is because my body has shown me that it can bounce back much more quickly than others. In the last three years of doing this, I have gone from the complete bottom to the top in less than three weeks. Every time. Without fail. I just hope this time will be no different.

Down on My Knees

There is some music in this world that can bring people to tears in seconds. It can make even the most locked up person expose their true thoughts and ideas. This kind of music varies for all people. Some songs trigger something in one person but not another. And that is what makes this kind of music so rare and unique.
Today I found the song that does this to me. It may not for you but I ask you to at least humor me and listen to it with an open mind. In fact, what would make this type of song most effective is to go into a dark room, close your eyes and let all thoughts leave your mind. Listen to this song in complete isolation, letting it consume you and release all sight of the real world for a brief amount of time. I hope you can feel the same pull that I do from this song. Something about it just grabs me and doesn't let go. If this makes any sense, it is so captivating that I would rather learn the lyrics to it by listening to it many times over rather than ever seeing the lyrics written in any form. It is so that I never want to see the lyrics anywhere but in my mind or hear them as I sing along or just listen. Doing this will allow it to stay surreal forever, which in turn keeps all the uniqueness in place.

The Most Wonderful Discovery

So today I was watching a movie that started out unimpressive but as it progressed I enjoyed it a little. I even happened to shake my head at the characters and their stupid mistakes. And by the end I still was impressed, but ten minutes before it ended there was a huge curveball thrown and it actually made me fall in love with the movie. It was really quite genius, but that is not what this post is about. As the movie ended a song came on that is known in my mind as one of my sisters favorite songs.

And as I listened to it and watched the happily ever after ending of the movie I began to really like it for the first time. It's weird how listening to songs in different contexts can make it more enjoyable or less interesting. I've noticed this difference between when I listen to a song for the first time in the car while I'm driving versus on my laptop or Ipod. It is quite amazing how that affects it. So without further ado I present to you the best video I have ever found for the song. You and I by Ingrid Michaelson.

Just because I'm feeling like sharing today I'll give you another song that I found by this same Youtuber named tinydoodlez. This song just caught my attention right away. I hope you enjoy it.

I can't resist it. I have to share another. This song didn't quite grab me despite it being entertaining in the beginning but the man's part in the song is what really intrigued me. Last one. I swear.

I hope this brightened your day a little more to see some cute doodles to songs. Because I know it sure did with me.

Music, Such a Powerful Thing

It's been a while. I can't saw that I've been busy, because that's not true. I have plenty of time on my hands. I just don't know what to write about. I just wanted to take a moment to praise music and it's abilities.
Many times I have found myself listening to a song and suddenly a flash of a memory pops into my head. Whether its from ten years ago or last week, there seems to be memories connected to certain songs. And I know that this happens with almost everyone. The important moments in our lives are marked, like a dog-earred page in your favorite novel for that one scene. That one sentence that captivates your mind. Music acts like our dog-earred pages in our lives.
I can list many songs that mean something to me. Or even entire CDs for that matter. Here are just a few I can think of off the top of my mind.
1. Everything You Want (the album) by Vertical Horizon- road trips back to my Mom's house after visiting my Dad's in another state [10 years ago]
2. FireHouse (the album)- playing with my younger sister for hours on end in the summer, sometimes breaking our Breyer horses [7 years ago]
3. I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry- one of the first memories I have when my family moved to a new state, driving down the highway on the way back to our rental house [5 years ago]
4. When We Were Young by The Killers- playing Guitar Hero with my stepsister and stepbrother, one of the first times I can remember hanging out with them without being shy after almost 3 years of knowing them [6 years ago]
5. Alan Jackson (almost all his 1990's music and early 2000's)- traveling with my Dad from my Mom's to visit him and also playing with my younger sister [10 years ago]
6. Stubborn Love by the Lumineers- the first time I opened up to a friend about my passion of music, it was the first song he shared with me and I instantly loved it [3 years ago]
7. Hello Bonjour by Michael Franti and the Spearhead- driving a friend back home after a dinner with the cross country team, we sang it together as the streetlights whizzed by, singing at the top of our lungs replaying it over and over again [1 year ago]
There and many more moments and songs that I could mention. But to get to the point, music has been there at many turnpoints in my short 17 year life and I wouldn't change a thing. Music is what brings us together. Keep those memories close and remember that music can always be used to capture a moment.

The Jaw-Dropping Transformation Begins

To begin with, I am going to point out that I have not written on here for a good month. And let me tell you that this is not because I forgot about it. No. This is certainly not the reason. The real reason is because during the last month life has been crazy. Between school, home life, friends, and just overall life realizations I have just had too much on my mind to do and think about.
Recently I have begun to read some of John Green's novels. If you do not know of these aforementioned novels or haven't read any of them, then you need to add another item to your checklist right now. Not kidding. Right now get out your checklist (be it mental or physical) and write down "read one of John Green's novels" because I will tell you right now, these are mainly the root of my realizations. They have some real life changing stuff in those suckers. So read it. Preferably right away.
Now that that problem has been dealt with I will continue on as normal. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Having not written. Well the problem with this writing a blog thing is that I hardly turn on my laptop anymore. You know how in my last post I told you that I was going to start disconnecting myself from the social media? Well, I sort of made some progress with that (which meant that I no longer felt the need to start up my laptop everyday). But to go along with that I also relapsed a little also... I'll admit it now and get it over with. Yes, I did delete my facebook app on my ipod which has immensely freed up my time but in exchange I got myself a instagram account. (and everybody now shakes their head in disappointment). But I swear that this has not really bogged down my progress at all. In fact I believe it improved it because all my friends from facebook have an instagram account and by just looking at the few minuscule posts on there I no longer feel the need to even log into facebook at all. It's quite amazing actually.
On that note, I have also been getting into reading novels again. What with school ending next Wednesday I finally have time to enjoy a good book. Sort of. I guess that is sort of a lie because the books I am reading are actually connected with school in a way but I did get to chose what books I wanted to read so I consider that power enough to cancel out the saddening fact that, yes, they still do have to do with school. But to change to a happier subject, summer is finally here! The butterflies, dragonflies, and sadly normal flies are out and about. Fluttering, gliding, and buzzing from place to place. Some being stared at it awe, others getting sideways glances, and the unfortunate followers facing the all-mighty flyswatter. Such a sad, sad life for those flies. But they are asking for it. They cannot enter my house and expect not to become a target. As soon as they make the stupid mistake of invading my personal space, down comes the hammer. Now that I think about it, that is kind of what it's like for people (specifically boys) around me... Get too close and this fired up girl will start swinging. I always need my room. No touchy.
Also relating to that, I believe that I am transforming into a girly girl (much to my disappointment). Just in these last few days I decided I would paint my toenails. Paint my toenails! I NEVER do that. And to make matters worse, I kind of enjoyed it... so guess what I did. I know you guys already know it. Yes. I painted my fingernails. Not only am I ashamed of being happy with this, but now everybody can see my girly girl rearing its ugly (yet cute, darn you inner girly girl!) head. Tomorrow I will go to school and I can bet you that I will get at least 6 comments on it. That may be simply because throughout my entire residency in Montana, I don't believe that I have EVER come to school with any form of nail polish on any type of body surface resembling nails... ever. So needless to say, there are gonna be some heads turning at this event.
Another discussing point is the fact that I am now technically a senior in high school. GASP!! Did I just seriously say that? And is that really true? Yes. Yes it is. This summer I will go through the horribly and utterly unfavorable experience of taking my senior pictures. To sum up my feelings on this subject I will say this and only this. I would much rather be on the other side of the camera. I always thought being the single subject of a picture was weird. Why am I so interesting that it merits me having an entire picture to myself? I'm not. That's why its so weird. I believe that any picture worth taking either has animals, a group of people (more than 1), or a stunning landscape. If I am going to be in a photograph, then another animal/person has to be with me. Also, I don't like looking at pictures of myself. I think its weird to see myself. If we had been intended to see ourselves then we would have naturally had someway to view ourselves. Needless to say, I think that "keeping up an appearance" is a stupid idea. Yes, it's fun to sometimes make yourself look pretty (or handsome) for that special occasion but to do it everyday takes away from the magical transformation. And as days go by where you continue to curl your hair every morning, or wear a extremely cute skirt (I can't believe I just said that), a little of the magic is sucked out of the view.
The same idea applies to our surroundings. You may grow to think that everything around you is boring. That the view no longer seems as astounding, but if you just take a break and go somewhere else you will come back to realize that the beauty has returned. I try to live by this idea because I certainly don't want to become the forgotten beauty. So I only dress up nice clothes (in comparison to basketball shorts and t-shirts) every once in a while. And what can you guess happens? The magic is still there. Every. Single. Time.

Disconnected

Lately I've been working on disengaging myself from Facebook and other social media sources. Deleting my Facebook app on my ipod, turning on my laptop only when I have to so I don't get sucked into the deep dark abyss that is internet surfing. And what I have found is that it is a breath of fresh air. Literally because to cope with this I have distracted myself with keeping my bedroom window open and it actually worked. Anyways, I just recently glanced down my Facebook page to see if there was anything important from family or friends and I ran across a video. And to reward myself for being so disciplined in staying away from the internet I allowed myself to watch it. Here it is, I hope you enjoy and this is the kind of revelation that I went through just minutes before I took that first step and cleared out my ipod of social media apps.

Dreams: Deep Down Insecurities

Just a few minutes ago I was avoiding my homework, standing in the middle of my room, flicking a dime into the air and letting it drop into my hand. To explain this you need to know that about three weeks ago I found this dime on the floor in school. I can't remember when but the rest of that entire day it kept me occupied and it just so happened that this particular day was dragging on and on. It wasn't a very pleasant day to begin with and somehow that little dime got me through it. So since then it has traveled from my jeans pocket to my dresser and back again. And no matter how many times I moved it from one place to another I couldn't seem to lose that little sucker, so naturally I decided on default that it was worth keeping. For the past week or so it's been sitting on my dresser. And occasionally when I don't know what to do or know what to do (homework) and don't want to do it, I pick it up and flip it a couple times. It sails into the air as I delight in the slight "ping" sound it makes, shining in the light and landing down on my hand. I don't know why this process captures me so and I will probably never know, but that is beside the point. Just to clarify what all that above was useful for was pointing out the significance of that little dime. So as I stood in my room, flipping that dime up and down in the air, concentrating on catching it, something occurs to me. But I will tell this later. For now, I will provide you will this completely related but entirely different train of thought that I had.

I feel as if I am a natural writer and sometimes I am randomly hit with a revalation of something to put into one of my current stories.

And this revalation just so happens to be based off of my dreams. Today I was in art class and somehow the conversation turned to the subject of dreams. I have had a variety of dreams. Ranging from nightmares containing irrational fears and ridiculous situations to more realistic stories. And as we were discussing all the different ranges of dreams a thought occurred to me. I, like any other person, have had many nightmares with fears of wolves, drowning, and physical contact. Wait what? Back up there? Did she just say physical contact? Yes. Yes I did. And this is what prompted the revalation when flipping the dime. As I discussed dreams with my classmates I happened to let it slip that I had dreams where I physically felt like I was being touched while in a dream and it was because of this feeling that I freaked out and woke up. Kinda weird right? To explain this more I will trust in you guys some of my dreams. The first is the least severe of all, but one of the weirdest. I happened to be currently writing down dreams when I had this one the night before. So here is my summarization of it. 

 ********* walks up to me while I'm getting stuff out of my locker and offers me a hand up. I stare at him and he doesn't withdraw it, looking at me with a smile. I ask him why he's holding his hand out and turn and sit hugging my knees, staring up at him as he still stares down at me.

This is what I wrote when I woke up and the *** act as a sensor for what name was really there. And I'm just going to say that this person, boy, was not just random but happened to be a guy I currently had a crush on at the time. I don't know why I had a dream like this but it wasn't just this. This same sort of situation transferred into another dream. And as it came to freaky realistic in the last dream I have had about it to date I looked back and realized I had a dream almost exactly a year ago similar to the one described above. Here is it's summary I wrote:

 I only remember a small part but I am in a huge modern city and  I am waiting at a bus stop. Everything in silver and shines brightly. I sit down to wait on the side of the road and ******** is with me and he sits down behind me. I lean back against his chest and he wraps his arms around me. We sit there, and I snuggle my face into his chest.

This guy also happened to be a different guy I had a crush on. So I began to wonder, do I have a craving for physical contact or am I actually afraid of it. Then I proceeded to have the dream below containing the same guy from the first dream described:

 I am in my room, watching things on my laptop and am messaging ******* when suddenly the door bursts open and he is standing right there. I gasp in surprise and look around my room to see if anything embarrassing is up. He looks around slowly and says he likes my room a lot and he lays down on the bed, my laptop between us.

I know that by now you guys are probably wondering what this has to do with the dime. I assure you, it will connect, just bear with me. And finally, because I trust you guys so much (and the anonymity helps a lot) this is the final dream I had. Now, keep in mind the following things.

1. I have never had a boyfriend

2. This means I have never been kissed

3. This also means that I have only been hugged by a guy four times in my life

4. I didn't grow up with touchy feely parents

5. My siblings and I were also not touchy feely

Overall, I'm not a touchy feely person and generally that sort of stuff freaks me out. I get all squirmish and I duck away from incoming embraces. I actually back away from hugs and once a friend decided to surprise hug me (this also happens to be the guy from the 1st and 3rd dreams that I had a major crush on) and I proceeded to stiffen my entire body and let out a tiny squeak of discomfort while just standing there as he hugged me. And afterward for an entire week I stayed a distance of at least an arms length away. So now, with all this background I will show you the dream summary below: 

I faintly remember this but I had a dream last night and it had something to do with me and a crew being a secret spy team and going into a building that we are going to clear out. There is a guy on my team that I am involved with and I remember being in a room alone. He's standing on the opposite side and says something. I walked over and we are just standing close in front of each other, exploring our eyes, when I stand on my tip toes up to him and pull his lips into a kiss. It was also my first kiss in the dream because I didn't know what to do but I sucked on his bottom lip and released and lost myself in the middle, not knowing what to do until he pulled mine in and took my bottom lip in between his own. It was so realistically weird in a way that I almost felt like it was real. I could feel the wetness of his lips on mine and the heat radiating into my skin. And his hands gripped my hips and pulled me against him. I arched my stomach into his hips and could feel the fabric of his jeans rubbing against my shirt.

Ridiculous right? The weirdest thing though was that I woke up and felt unbelievably awkward. And the guy was even completely random!

So now, in attempt to tie this all together I will go back to the dime thing. So as I stand in my room, tossing this dime up into the air to let it fall back down time slows down and my mind kicks into overdrive. My dreams listed above all come rushing back to me and churn in the river of my thoughts. And finally, the revalation that breaks to the surface, the one that prompted this entire post. Tying back to my insecurities, my identity as a writer, my reputation for being shy and physically conservative, my also equal desire for a boyfriend. The one thought that makes me write all this out. As the dime falls through the air, circling and shining in my eyes, I put upon myself this ultimatum. If I were to be in one of my characters place and be alone in a room with a guy. And he asks if he can kiss me, would I leave all that to chance and say "heads you can, tails you can't"? Would I? Would you? Would you leave any of your most life changing decisions to a game of chance in fear that what you may have independently decided is not the best desicion? That is the question that will haunt me tonight. Will I keep living my life in hopes of what will happen in the future while analyzing the past, or will I just leave the most difficult desicions to the moment they occur?

Wacked Out

Today I had the joy of taking the standardized test that everyone knows and loves. The ACT. It was a beautiful experience. Some people cried, others called out to the answer booklet as the teacher tore it from their grip. It was poetic almost. Heartwarming even.... if you were to look at it in a optimistic lens. The crying was more brought on by the stress of studying last minute and the lack of sleep. The calling out due to the countless victims who didn't manage to fill in every bubble before the separation was official. I'm also pretty sure that many felt a deep connection to the ACT when we finally stepped out of that room. Mostly it was pure hatred for the ACT and it's fellow standardized test brothers. Honestly, I'm gonna spread a kernel of truth into the field that is my minuscule audience... the science section of these tests are a joke. Not that I have anything against it. I understand the system. You have to be fair to the students that go into specialized science fields, but 35 minutes for interpreting at least 20 different graphs and analyzing and answering 45 questions? Now that is just downright ridiculous. Rubber ducky ridiculous. To explain that a little more, it is comparable to filling up and nice and warm bath tub, putting in the wonderfully scented bubble bath soap that caresses the skin with just the right amount of smooth and bubbly (specifically the monstrous white towers of bubbles), slipping under the frosty pearl blanket and then leaving the rubber ducky on the counter. You do not, under any circumstances, leave the rubber ducky on the counter. That is criminal. The bubble bath was made to include the rubber ducky. That kind of bonehead decision is comparable to the decision to make a 35 minutes section with a couple dozen graphs have 45 questions. Downright insane. So basically I spent that entire section skipping the reading and just going straight to the questions. I don't want to get into it, it brings up intense anger filled emotions that I do not care deal with currently, but it was a certain experience that one can only understand when you have taken the ACT or SAT (or so I've heard in regards to the SAT). So as a result of participating in that test for 5, 55 minutes class periods my mind was like scrambled eggs. Thoroughly fried classic salt and peppered eggs, but eggs none the less. And, contrary to popular belief of all the teachers around the world, it is in reality extremely difficult to talk much less conduct yourself in a deep analytical discussion after partaking in that experience. Needless to point out, but I will point it out anyway, after school today my machine of a brain had a screw not only loose, but completely gone from it. At track practice, which thank the world, was a long slow run. In conclusion, my run consisted of singing various old country songs from Joe Diffie/Alan Jackson with my buddies enthusiastically as well as some more recent tracks. And finally, my brain has reconstructed itself to a well oiled machine that runs well enough to form complete thoughts (or so I believe) and actually do so in a quite eloquent matter. I'm just gonna say that I am pretty proud of myself on that fact. So, lesson to be taken away... don't put yourself around impressionable people or people that you don't was to embarrass yourself in front of while participating in a standardized test on the same day. Just give it 24 hours. For the sake of your life on the following day. Just, hold that wacky in until you arrive in a safe and comfy place, preferably with lots of pillows and blankets. Also hot chocolate. Hot chocolate would be nice. Treat yourself right my friends.

Wearing Jeans

Today, being that it is spring break and I have no school, I went to a nearby park and played Ultimate Frisbee with some friends and I discovered a few things.
First, what is Ultimate Frisbee you ask? Well, you separate into two different teams and have two goals (sometimes between two trees or someone's pair of shoes, whatever works) and basically you throw the Frisbee between teammates and try to make a goal. It generally goes to 5, but whatever score you please works also. So now that you know what I am talking about, I played this game with about 12 people and apparently I am pretty good at passing the frisbee. Not to toot my own horn, but someone actually came up to me and said that I am a "pro" at frisbee. Just saying. On another topic, I, among about 6 other girls I happened to be wearing jeans and I gotta say. Sometimes it is hard to run in them, but for some reason I just got so caught up in the game that it didn't matter that I was wearing them. I actually outran another girl in shorts and caught the frisbee from her in my jeans. Take that!
Needless to say, I get kind of competitive when it comes to games. Man. If you even play a board game with me you better watch out because Imma be all over that ish. Anyways, and I'm seem to excel at long range passes across the entire field. I was pretty proud of that. And of course, because the guys are doofuses we played shirts versus skins and I'm glad to report that I did not take of my shirt once. That's great right! I know. I was proud of myself too!
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say something to start off April. The weather is finally getting nice and just yesterday me and my little sister went on a 15 mile bike ride after track practice. Also, my strained quad healed and I can now sort of run again. Although I got severe shin splints but that doesn't matter. They aren't that bad I guess. And I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday too and my little sister made double chocolate cupcakes with chocolate chips in them with a caramel frosting on top. They are so delicious but they make my teeth hurt with how much sugar they have in them. I hope everyone's life is going great. Spring is finally here and nothing could be better! Adios!

Grand Romantic Gestures

Now, I am a completely reasonable person. I know what will most likely happen in life and what won't. But who's to say that I'm not aloud to fantasize every once in a while. And mostly, it is about that big grand romantic gesture that a guy or girl makes to the person they love. Because of that feeling I always feel the need to watch romantic comedies. I don't know what it is about them but somehow they are the perfect blend of laughs and sweet, heartwarming moments that just make you smile. Or at least make me smile.

So lately I've been addicted to watching the TV show "How I Met Your Mother". And since my older sister has come to visit for spring break and showed me this, I have been obsessed. Of course when I really needed to I could control the urge to watch episodes rather than do homework, but other than that I've been hooked. And I've actually gone through seven of the seasons in roughly three weeks. Yeah. I know. It's bad, but I guess that with all the homework I've had lately a good laugh in between assignments is comforting. But just now, I have reached the episode that contains one of the biggest romantic gestures that I've seen in a TV show or movie and it got me thinking. Why do I crave this feeling? Surely there is a simple explanation, but because I'm me, I like to analyze things that really don't need to be analyzed. 

I have mentioned in previous posts that I am not the most social person, and more recently I made a resolution to work on that part of my life. And I have to say that I have become much more involved in others lives around me and I guess... it is much more fulfilling. For the past three years I have been stuck in a rut. And I could never get out of it. Yes. Sure I seemed like I was not in this state, but now that I look back on it I can see that I always seemed to have a piece of glass between the people around me. By the way, I have no idea why but I always seem to think a lot more at night than I should, just to explain this in depth vent. But anyways, I guess the root of the problem goes back to three years ago. I had never really had the chance to hang out with friends when I was younger. My mom raised me and my sisters by herself so it was hard to organize anything around her work schedule. As a result I only visited with my friends in grade school three times outside of school. And as I got older, I guess it just became a habit of saying, "no that won't work. I'm sure my mom will say no. She has a hard time getting the time off to take me there. I'm sorry. Maybe some other time." And until three years ago that is what I always did. But then, suddenly she said yes and I got to hang out with a friend I'd had for five years, but never actually saw outside of the school setting. And it was great. I loved it. We had lots of fun, but later that year that friend turned out to not be that nice of a friend. I don't even remember what was done (and I feel ashamed to this day and can't apologize enough for some of the things I did) but I decided that they weren't a good influence on me and that they never really seemed like a friend so I "broke up" with them, so to say. I don't know why I did it. I honestly don't. And I don't know if I will ever be more embarrassed at my behavior again. But after that I came out of the dreamy friend state and saw that they really weren't that good for me as a friend. So from then on I guess deep down (even though I haven't noticed it) I've been scared to let someone do that again. And it didn't help to have some other problems heaped onto this, but that is another story. So during this time I am not proud to admit that I became the most shell of a person I have ever been, which isn't saying much because I'm not that old but I'd like to think for now that this is totally relevant. So I became obsessed with avoiding almost all contact with other people and every weekend and school night I would sit up in my room and do homework and then, as a reward, watch a movie. And with the time of two years to do this, I have seen A LOT of movies. And this is how I got exposed to the grand romantic gestures. And I guess by cutting myself off from all friends outside of school and school sports I poured all my emotions into romantic comedies.

Finally this leads to the feeling. I don't know if anyone else feels this but me but I guess I'll never know until I ask at least someone about it. Now, along with movies there were books too and this is similar if not the exact same for them also. During the grand romantic gestures, where the guy makes up with the girl and they kiss and are unbelievably happy, without fail (unless I am distracted) I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I get all giddy and can't stop smiling. I even giggle (if I am made fun of for this, I will severely hurt you. You know who I'm talking to.) and for some reason, this simple thing makes all of my loneliness go away and I feel comfort in being alone. So I've always been fond of the grand romantic gesture. So I guess in summary, my favorite part of a story is the grand romantic gesture because I feel unbarred happiness and if someone wanted to make me the most happy person in the world even just the smallest sign of them caring would make me putty in their hands.

Now I would like to share some music from "How I Met Your Mother" just because. Enjoy.

Frustration Reaching It's Limit

I started my track season last week. It was horrible. I wasn't in shape for the third year in a row and it always bites my in the butt. But the most annoying thing this time is that I could've and would've avoided this pain. Stupid cough. I hate being sick. So I told you guys at the beginning of the year that I would get in shape for this track season and I meant it but after two weeks I got a horrible cough that wouldn't go away, but thankfully wasn't whooping cough, and every time I worked out I would bend over wheezing from the cough. It just wouldn't go away. So I stopped working out in attempt to get better and before I knew it 7 weeks had passed and I was just getting over the stupid bug.

So now here I am, partially injured and cursing the dang cough. I've never been so frustrated in my life. Because it just so happens that this year I am actually extremely motivated to do well and I can't run because of my injury now. Overall, it sucks.

Companionship

I'm sure that when I say, companion, most of you can relate to that word. Some may think of a best friend, others a close family member, and then there is some of us that have lost faith in humans. That's right. I'm talking about those people that hear that word and instantly think of an animal. Whether a dog, cat, horse, cow, or any other kind of creature not able to communicate directly with us through the spoken word. And I must say myself that I often find my sister's pet cat, Charles, quite a wonderful buddy to hang out with.
Yup. I like cats more than humans. Well, actually that is not entirely truthful but there is a sense of sincerity in that statement. Yes, other people are extremely wonderful to hang out with. But that is only part time. I'm the kind of person that greatly values my time alone. And by alone I mean hanging out with just a cat sleeping next to me on the couch, bed, or any other kind of soft surface. I don't know what it is about it, but it's oddly calming to happen to glance over and see that bundle of fluff napping. Maybe it's just because I've grown up with cats and always see them as a means of confiding without the usual judgement that you would get from a human (they can't help it) but I genuinely enjoy their company. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't allowed to visit with those cuddly creatures.

In Comes the Lion

I'm sure that most of you are aware of the old saying to depict spring weather. If not I will tell it to you. Basically, it is an option between "in comes the lion, out goes the lamb" or the other way around. Well, in the current state of the weather I'd have to say that this year it has magically combined the two and we, insignificant people below, are blessed with a fierce cross between a lion and a lamb.
To be honest, right now all I can think of is a incredibility white, fluffy, lion with a snow white body and its ridiculously golden mane. I don't know about you but I'm finding that particular image quite entertaining. Although I can not seem to find a picture that entails my imaginary creature, I figure that just a general photo pertaining to this subject is well enough.

The whole reason behind this post is this. Lately, I've become so busy it is stifling. So today is one of those days that yes, I fantasize about returning to a simpler time. Back in elementary school where the teachers handed out seasonal coloring pages and entertained a day, between the little work we did do, to take a break and color our hearts out. Sometimes it would evolve into making paper planes and fortune tellers, but overall I find those out of reach experiences somewhat comforting to think about. I know in a realistic world I will just continue to receive forty page history readings on the weekend, pre-calculus assignments flying out my ears, physics' calculations that blow my mind, and theory of knowledge readings that proceed to pick up the now scattered pieces of my mind and shoot them out of a cannon.
Now that I've pondered this idea for a while, I might take it upon myself to color my own March coloring page containing a lion and lamb. Yes. That is what I will do. I hope you guys do to. We all need a little coloring in our life anyways.

Deep, Dark Oblivion

Do you have those moments where it's almost like you take a step back from your life and assess your life in the most harsh way possible? Wondering what in the world you are doing and why aren't you doing something you like? Yes? No? Well, I did that today.
For some reason sugar seems to have this hold over my mind. To explain what I mean, I will proceed to tell you about my experience with this today. So, imagine this. I'm sitting in my art class minding my own business when I decided to actually eat my cookie from lunch. Apparently any type of sugar I consume between noon and four in the afternoon just makes me go all wacky as if I had just drank an 18 oz coffee with a double shot. I've never done that before, but I can imagine that it wouldn't go over that well with the people around me.
This situation has occurred a couple times already this year, once actually being attributed to sleep deprivation, and I'm pretty sure that when this does happen I become the most annoying person in the world to the people sitting around me. In the entire class really. But this time, I didn't get the luck to be thrown into a crazy, jumpy mood. Oh no. I was just that blessed to be thrown into this state of complete curiosity and self evaluation. Along with that, of course it just so happened to be that point in the project where I just wanted to smash it and throw it into a nearby garbage...
By the way, I'm trying to sculpt a house cat and it's not working out so well. Anyways, back to the point, I eat my cookie and almost five minutes later I'm overcome with these deep thoughts and can't seem to focus on my project. So I try to fix this, stopping work for a moment to resolve this sudden problem with myself so I can continue peacefully. But this problem was much more than just me being criticizing about my life.
This next part may sound a little weird. Brace yourselves. I was overcome with the urge to ask people questions about themselves. I know! It's totally out of character for me. Usually I don't ask people about things, but for some reason I suddenly felt like I don't know anybody. I don't know why. I just felt like the people that I call my friends, or even best friends, I don't even know anything about.
Anticapting something dreadful, the people by me prepare for "off the wall" me. That part of me consists of me asking questions and making little tiny observations every 10 seconds and that seems to be a wee bit annoying. So naturally, to protect themselves from this they would answer my questions with sarcasm or laugh or make fun of me and for some reason I just keep getting more and more frustrated. I couldn't word anything right, I couldn't speak my thoughts accurately and on top of it all it just so happened that the one time I was actually being sincere in my questions and actions the people around me weren't taking me seriously.
I don't know how often this happens to you guys, but generally I keep to myself. I answer and ask questions to be polite. I hold up a conversation with someone if they seem to want to talk about something on their mind. I only ask the occasional personal question so I can somewhat know someone better, but this feeling of complete need to learn things about the people around me is new. I've never experienced it before and in reality, it sort of freaked me out.
Suddenly I was belting out all these questions, "What do you want to do when you get out of highschool?" or "where would you want to live, ideally?" or "have you ever thought about...?" etc. It just went on and on and the part that was different than usual was that I actually was waiting for the answer. I wanted to know what they had to say about the subject. I guess this just seemed so significant because recently I've felt somewhat disconnected from everybody.
Don't get me wrong. My family, friends, and generally people around me try to get me to talk and I do have interesting conversations with people but I've found that I'm always trying to weasel out of it. I start scooting away, inch by inch to show I have to leave when I really don't have anywhere to go. People say "hi" in passing and sometimes walk beside me, initiating a conversation but I can't seem to do anything beyond the polite necessary replies. Sometimes I get sucked into something and actively participate, but nothing seems... real I guess.
But this afternoon I seemed to have broken the barrier. I finally genuinely want to learn more and talk to someone and it gets completely shut out. Just my luck. So I guess I can try to get that feeling back again, but I can't promise it. I'll try for the sake of you guys. Next time, I'll be back with an update. Until then, I hope you have a good day.

Sleek as Steel

Right now, I am proud to say that I am typing this post from my new computer. Honestly, this feeling of joy can only be described as one you might get from buying yourself some big electronic device. Also some exciting fact to tell about right now, is that I am currently spending the weekend at my father's cabin and it is quite enjoyable to take a look around from the comfy couch I am lounging on and see wooden pieces of furniture and structure all around me. It's very relaxing. So, with that I am going to return to enjoying my weekend and new computer, although I can update you on the book addiction and I believe that despite my prediction that it may be trampled along by the new laptop... the opposite may have just occurred. It will probably actually only fuel that addiction.

Can't Stop

Lately, since I haven't been able to access a computer for anything other than homework I've been looking into another interest besides watching tv. And it just so happens to be a worse thing than the previously mentioned. Books. Now I know that from the outside they don't seem threatening, unless it's Crime and Punishment, but they have been sucking up my life. Admittedly I did seem to escape this problem by going skiing with friends this last Saturday and Sunday, but I find myself now counting down the words I need to type to have an exceptionally well lengthed post while still anxiously waiting to continue on to the next chapter. I'm not proud to say this in the least, mostly because it will probably do horrible wonders to my procrastination, but I have followed down my older sisters path once forged. The inevitable spiral downwards into multiple stories of wit and charm that will have me wrapped up in blankets for all my upcoming afternoons. I, painstakingly admit that I have started another bender of endlessly reading novels until my eyes hurt or the time shown on the clock reminds me of a early start to the next day. I, wholeheartedly state now to you that I have an new, unbreakable addiction to books and hope you will see me through to the end where I will most likely recieve my new laptop later this week and rid myself of this productive yet entirely life wrecking situation. I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I shall go back to my book to read hopefully half of it tonight. 

Frustrations

This post is going to be rather short, I should warn you. My computer is reaching its last few hours of life indefinately so I am currently on my dear loving younger sister's monster of a laptop. Since I am only loaning it for homework purposes, and she doesn't know that it also includes this quick post, I'll be curt.
I don't have a wonderfully intellectally thought provoking prompt today. I just wanted to a song that I have recently found that I believe is quite brilliantly. As of late, I have been extremely interested in the artist, Lena Katina, that was in the band t.A.T.u. I guess the reason for this sudden interest happened to be because of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics where Russia entered the opening ceremony with the Russian version of the song "They're Not Gonna Get Us" by said artist. So, without further ado because I need to resume my homework session, here is a recent song with Lena Katina in it that I rather enjoy highly.

Dug Out of the Past

Even though I'm not that old, only 16 years, I look upon when I was 7 as if it was a lifetime ago. Cobwebs have settled on the memories and remembering them is similar to crawling around in the attic of my brain. Digging through boxes, blowing the dust off into a slightly brown cloud. As I search around in the categories labeled various things, I come upon the one bearing the name "Music". My hands fumble with the lid, and finally it snaps open with a loud crack. And just as this happens titles, artists, album names and pictures float up into the air with the dust. My eyes wander among the words, searching and as I recognize each and every one, the trigger is pulled and the memories flood in. Some more recent. Others as far back as I can think of.
I stretch my arm out, grasping for the floating names. My fingertip happens to make contact with one and the sounds automatically fill the room. Drums, guitar, voice fill my head. The tune plays out and I reach out again. Touching multiple at the same time, mixing them together. Counting Crows plays over the top of Goo Goo Dolls. Rob Thomas accompanies Alanis Morissette and the instrumental of The Wallflowers' 'One Headlight' sings out in the background. As each title is touched, it lights up with a blue glow. Walls portray this hue and the dark is pushed further and further back into the corners. The Music melts the cobwebs away and as each song passes by, another series of memories are pulled from various boxes surrounding me. Finally as the Music dies down and the creak of the boards beneath me is the only thing heard, all but one title is lit up. Others float among the boxes, pulling along the memories behind them like a tail. I scramble up onto my feet, staring up at the dark sequence of words. It can be seen that it reads 'Hotel California' by The Eagles. Standing up on my toes, my finger is outstretched towards it. I can feel the slightest electric charge shoot through my fingertip as the words light up, blue overtaking the entire room. The first notes of the guitar fill the air, and the last of the boxes fly open, exploding with memories from the past. Words begin to seep into my head, and I sit down in the middle of the bare room. All the thoughts whiz by, but nothing penetrates the sound of the lyrics being sung. The seconds tick by as it all whirls around me, relishing in the past.

Flash

Tonight I was driving to my piano lesson and while heading into town at 6:00 pm I noticed that there was an abundance of traffic on the other side of the road and very little on mine. And of course I know that's because the average time to get off of work or leave town is around dinner time, which happens to be 5:30-7:00 pm, but that is beside the point. This only led to the following thoughts before I resumed my very crackled, but entertaining singing to Lana Del Rey.
As cars were passing by in groups of five I managed to first look at each individual car. How it was unique from the other four surrounding it. Then I studied the model. What kind of person might be driving this car home. I'd see a four runner and think, family. A pickup and automatically a vision of a old dirt road, engulfed by trees on either side. A sedan with a nice suburban house, porch lights on. Welcoming to the parent, adult, worker, friend. And within these last few milliseconds of analysis I'd look even closer. Peer through the windshield and gaze at the driver. The verge of darkness falling upon the sky masking the features just enough to let my mind create a muffled picture to match to the appropriate car. And just for a second, I'd imagine that I could get a five second preview of their day.
What might have happened in another person's day? Did they have a desk job? Clicking keys away at the computer all day like I am now? Work in a store? Talk to customers and visit in attempt to convince them to buy a product? Or a coffee shop owner? Making espresso's all day long? Seeing the look on the persons face when they finally receive their caffeine intake? What if someone had that ability? See other people's life just for that day... what that would look like. How they speak. Act. Think.
The last thought that this brought to me while all these things ran through my mind, was how people would maybe, just maybe, be able to get a glimpse into my day. Have a five second preview. And would I offer an entertaining five seconds? If my day was boiled down to that five seconds, would I want to live each minute any differently than I do now?

Steamrolling By

Recently I have happened upon an epiphany. Or at least what one might feel like to me. I was listening to music and doing my homework this previous week when I realized that during this next summer I'm going to have my senior pictures taken. I don't know why this was particularly shocking. It's expected that you take senior pictures during the summer before your senior year of highschool, but for some reason I had a little freak out.

I guess it just wasn't clicking in my brain that, yes, becoming a sophomore is a step closer to the end of high school. But I guess I was preoccupied with finally being able to drive myself to school and that year of perfect solitary car rides. It was wonderful. I always sing in front of my younger sister when she is in the car anyways but something about being completely alone and having that guaranteed 20 minutes to and from school every weekday was comforting. It was also easier to organize things. 

But as my junior year rolled around, even then my thoughts didn't become steered towards the impending events of growing up. Oh no. I was just trying to keep my 4.0 gpa and I just knew that I only had two more years to become the best runner I could. Never did I consider that in two years I was gonna get kicked out of the house and off to college. Now that's what freaked me out. Of course I've been forced to participate in all the college fairs and information sign ups and categorizing of what field you want to go into and what career you are planning on persuing. But I guess that I've just been pushing that away all this time. "What? I got mail from a college? Oh, better put in the pile that sits in the dark corner of my closet and hide it behind my Christmas decorations." "An email? Oh how wonderful. I'll just open it so it doesn't show the annoying little unread '1' sign and then proceed to put it in the 'Colleges' folder where I will never look at it again." A friend asks me what my plans are for after high school? Honestly, I have no idea whatsoever. Teachers make me pick out three preferred colleges to learn about? I'll just use the ones I heard my older sister consider when she was looking. Ask for a career to research and use as an example for all these painfully intricate activities for my "career-finding" required class. I'll just use my older sister's dream job of being a vet. Because I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to go. And all the while I'm freaking out about this major problem teachers are asking what you want and forcing you to plan it now, friends are asking and comparing to each other and just saying "don't worry. You'll discover what you want. There's no need to freak out. You'll be fine. Just give it time." Well I can't fricken give it time! Colleges are shoving pamphlets in my face and realitives are asking what I want to do and I just don't know! I don't know.

It's not so easy to actually be in this situation. Believe it or not, the problem of you not knowing what college to apply to must be nice. Because at least you've decided on what you want to do so you can at least consider stuff like that. But no, I can't do that or have the luck to be in that situation. I can't even look at colleges because I don't even know what field to look into. Do I want to an artist? Maybe. A doctor? That sounds great. A coach? Sure, why not. A dentist? Yeah. Teeth are interesting. A business woman? Okay.

I don't even know where to start and it's freaking me out. Tests are being shoved in my face. "Better do good because your college will look at this closely!" I sign up for classes while someone over my shoulder comments, "So are you taking these because that's what your college looks for?" My parents hand me one after another college pamphlet and I just throw it into the closet.

And to add onto this, next year is when I'm supposed to apply for scholarships. Go on college visits. Research options. Start packing my life up and having the last few great memories with my friends before we head off to the rest of our lives. But I can't help but think that while other kids will be shoving boxes into cars and driving towards their future I'll just be sitting in the driveway. Head on the steering wheel, playing "which destination sounds coolest" with the map. Eennie Minnie moe with the states. Pick a letter to find a town and just doing that, because at least that has some kind of direction. Because at this point, I'm just walking along with my head down, hood up, hiding from the paparazzi of colleges and next life decisions. I don't know what I want. It's not that I don't want to grow up. I just wish I would have an epiphany about what career I want rather than that the time for that to happen is coming to a close.

Wrapped Up in an Addiction

My favorite TV show just ended on Thursday and I've been mindlessly searching for another thing to preoccupy my entertainment needs. Of course I could just find a book to read, but I find that hard to do being that I am currently reading Crime and Punishment for my IB English class and don't have the ability to read two books at one time. The TV show that just ended happens to be White Collar and it's a very intellectually stimulating show that I happen to learn a lot of facts from regarding different things dealing with art and crime solving. I don't believe that all of it's accurate, but one can dream. Anyways, if anybody likes crime solving shows mixed with entertaining banter and a good puzzle within a forty minute segment I suggest you watch White Collar. Or at least just watch the first episode and see what I'm talking about. So in attempt to fix this problem of my show ending, I have stumbled upon a relatively new one called Suits. I guess I have found my replacement and just wanted to inform you upon this in case you ended up in my situation somehow. I hope if you watch Suits or White Collar you like it, and it would be great to know your opinion.

Deeply Philosophical: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

A couple weeks ago I began a cookie making frenzy. Normally I would try to examine why exactly I started this because my usual "thing" is to sit up in my room and watch movie and TV shows on my laptop, but I decided to bypass that stage this time around. Reform was going to occur sometime, whether it was sooner or later, so I figured that I wouldn't put myself through such a task.
I was making chocolate chip cookies and while I was waiting for a batch to bake I scooped my spoon of dough and proceeded to stare blankly out the window. My music was playing in the background and I don't know why but I had a sudden feeling of complete open mindedness. It was almost as if the cookie dough unlocked a cage and my mind was set free. And as I was peering outside I saw one of my cats. Now I know you might not follow this or even think "that's so dumb. it's so simple and obvious. why is she even making this a big deal?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I was feeling smart and observant so you can just shove it and come back to read when you get some respect for me and for yourself. Stop thinking your so high above me. Anyways, back to the cat. Just for the sake of storytelling I'll divulge the information that her name is Bumblebee. The window that I was standing out just happens to look out over past our driveway and out into a hay field, but during winter it's barren and a opportune place to hunt for mice. It's not like I haven't seen my cats hunting before, but something made me stop and stare. It had recently snowed and patches of white were spread across the ground. Anyone that knows anything about cats knows that they don't like to get their feet wet or cold, and I'm pretty sure if I didn't have shoes I would feel the same. Bumblebee was heading in a general direction but the thing that I noticed was that even though she was heading out to a place I'm assuming was straight in front of her, she kept weaving to the side to avoid wet patches and just kept heading back towards the same place. And I know this may be a little bit of a stretch for you to catch (mostly because my mind was going a million miles per hour and I can't remember how I connected one thing to another) but I suddenly brought up the idea of how we, as a human race, always aim directly towards what we want. If we want to get somewhere you can bet that we will do everything in our power to make that path towards our destination a straight unwavering line if we can. One example I tried to apply it to for understanding purposes was that if there was a goal to get to the other side of a mountain, the first thought that appears in our heads is to either go right over it or blow a hole through the middle and go that way. But watching Bumblebee make her way towards her destination towards the middle of the field brought about an understanding that even though going straight for it may bring us many advantages like quick progress and perseverance, what it doesn't bring us is patience. So I touched on many other things after this and will most likely bring them up sometime later, but I'm asking you as a reader to consider this. And because I'm a well-rounded IB student I will apply this to another thing in my life. Just as I was writing the previous words above this, I thought back to my new class I'm taking this semester called Theory of Knowledge. The reason this reminded me of it is because today, our second day of class, we discussed what knowledge is and how we think. It was some overall mind blowing stuff, but the basic thing I would like to point out was that we were asked to draw a picture of how we think and I would like to share mine with you. You might want to try this sometime because it's actually extremely... helpful in understanding yourself. Without further ado, here it is below. I wish you a wonderful day and hope I gave you much to think on. Until next time...

Loss of Control

So today I figured I would tell you about a very life scarring experience that I have recently endured. It might not be as extreme as some or you think but for me it was about as bad as it could get. As I previously stated in my last post, I have been skiing a lot with my friend. One of the things I mentioned was the breath taking view and the challenge of my skills. Well, I'm here to inform you that I will not be challenging myself for a while now.
Last weekend on Saturday I partook in another wild adventure on the mountain. It was an alright day despite the conditions of fog and damp snow which combined with the frigid air and made for less than favorable visual ability to see obstacles. Now, not only was there this impairment but along with that I had just recently acquired a helmet and was feeling somewhat competitive and reckless. Normally that would lead to me occasionally going off the slight bump in the trail and catching a few inches of "air". But since I was in a rather extreme mood set I decided "why not? Let's go down the steepest of hills and then sprinkle some huge ass pine trees across the slope and proceed to shred through the only powder I can find." Let me just clue you in now. The mountain I went to hadn't had snow for more than two weeks so the only powder was in the hardest parts to slip through trees and then plummet into the iced over grade below. So yes. I did just so and when I discovered fresh powder you bet I went through all that to make my own tracks. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid idiot. All  would've went well but I met an acquaintance. Or rather an enemy. Or a frienemy. Yes a friendly enemy. Or so I thought. There was this stump. A little cut off tree sticking five inches out of the snow.  But I wasn't gonna let that stop me. Oh no. I WAS going to go threw that powder. So I skied down into the chute and I got to the stump. I tried to avoid it but this space was quite restricted. So I used all my force and pulled my first ski up and over it. But when it came to the second one I was already sliding down the hill a bit and couldn't manage to get it over. It was stuck. To my ski. Oh dear. So I put more effort into it and when I finally pulled it over I admit that I did let out  a little triumphant shriek. Don't you dare laugh. It was a pretty impressive accomplishment. Anyways, just as I was setting it back down I felt myself start to fall towards the snow. But no. Not towards the uphill. Oh no. I was heading down hill with my feet behind me. Now the story gets a little jumbled here but you can't blame me. Normally this would've resulted in a slight roll and I would eventually stop with snow up my coat and my face shoved into the white ground. But like I said earlier I was feeling confident. So we were on one of the steepest inclines on the mountain. In attempt to break my fall I let go of one pole but the ground was too far below me and before I knew  it I was head over heals, rolling down the hill. Keep in mind that I also told you that there were a ridiculous amount of trees too. So I roll down about 30 meters and finally, a mist all the turning and frantic clawing at the snow i luckily crash into a group of trees. So right now I'm braced between two groups of trees. My head is being held by a small Christmas looking baby tree and one of my skis is lodged into a well of a bigger, thicker one. 

And my body is spread the length of a huge icy chute. I just manage to get out , "get my pole! I dropped it up there" while I'm stunned and my friend is just chuckling at my enormous stupidity. But little did she know that this rodeo wasn't over. Oh no I still had more than half my ride left. So imagine my instant terror when I suddenly here a slight click. And the next thing I knew I was continuing my seemingly never ending tumble down that fricken mountain. As I later found out, my ski had been disconnected from my boot and it turns out that it was the only thing holding me from continuing my traumatizing trip down the mountain. As I was saying, I had once again gone head over heels but this time I was completely out of control. Basically it was like I was a ball rolling down a hill. I occasionally bounced and landed down with a thud but I was also like a cat falling through mid air after being thrown. Limbs were darting out everywhere in attempt to slow myself down before I hit a huge tree and most likely paralyzed myself for life. Or at least broke a couple bones. Somewhere along the way I managed to let go of my pole and dislocate my other ski. Finally I tumbled out of the chute and did some sort of karate roll onto my stomach where I proceeded to spread eagle and jam my arms and legs into the snow and skid to a stop. Literally two feet from a towering patch of burly pines with trunks the size of a huge pickup snow tire. Needless to say, I will not be returning to that run for a good while and after I had trekked back up the 100 meters I tumbled, with my friend who was frightened to death of what had just happened but had the sensibility to not baby me and make me ball. Whenever something like this happens I find that a good joke or two out of the situation always makes me feel better. I guess that's just because of my older sister that always made the scariest things seem ridiculous in order to comfort. But anyways, we retrieved my gear and were heading back down when my friend lost her grip in the snow and it was my own reversed position show to my terrifying experience. She must have tumbled 20 meters before she was out of my sight and managed to stop herself. I don't know if it was worse to be the one seeing white or watching and not being able to help. Just sitting and screaming my lungs out not being able to do anything and just hope she could find some way to slow down. Coming away from that was me needing quite a bit of music therapy and my friend being light hearted, even after her own terrifying fall. But. Now I will be more careful. Only took a near death experience... I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Ever. Well, I hope you learned something from this and be careful when participating in dangerous activities.

Breathtaking

Last Saturday I went skiing at a nearby resort with a friend on mine. Since I bought myself new boots I've been trying to get to the mountain more to get the fresh air and exercise as well as practicing my socializing skills and I'd have to say that it is doing wonders for me.
The first thing I'd like to talk about is the skiing itself. Of course I'm no expert but I also like to think of myself as a little better than intermediate. I ski down the black diamond runs and only fall an average of two times on each. I consider that pretty amazing, but while its cool to do that because it challenges my skills, it's also enjoyable because not many people go on those. Most stick to the medium and easy runs. Sometimes after I fall it's nice to just lie down and look at the scenery around me. Of course I have my buddy further down the slope yelling up to see if I'm okay, or we occasionally just have a little laugh about my clumsy habits. But the fact is that I genuinely enjoy just going up there for poofy white powder that sprays out from under my plummeting body as it makes its destined route towards the ground.
Secondly are the views. I'll show you what I mean at the end with a picture I took on my last visit to the mountain, but its just beautiful up there. Breathtaking would be the perfect way to describe it. It's especially stunning when the sky is completely clear. I can see over the valley below until the opposing mountains on the other side. It's not really something that can be captured by words, but instead by photography. Miles upon miles of tree covered landscapes looming over the busy towns below with a lake pooling across the basin of the valley. It's astonishing what one can see from that point of view.

And lastly, I guess the company of a friend is one of the best parts about it. I don't like going with big groups because its always too hard to figure out what run you want to go on and people ski at different speeds but with just one or two friends its a lot of fun. Lately I've just been going with my best friend and she snowboards, but it's been so much fun to just visit with her. The car ride there and on the lifts, occasionally when one of us wipes out and just wants to sit in the snow a while. I guess it can be said that the progress report with my social skills resolution is good. It's making life feel more... full in a way. And it's much better than just staying at home all day and watching movies in my room by myself. Anyways, I just wish to encourage you to get out and do stuff, because before you know it four years will have flown by without notice and you might regret not doing things with family and friends while you had the time.

Mindlessness

This afternoon I was running on the treadmill and found myself "dozing off" so to say, into alternate mindsets. The reason for that may be attributed to my being sick and trying not to cough my guts out during the midst of my run but also because I tended to actually listen to music while doing so. I don't know if this ever happens to anyone else but sometimes I just get a wave of numbness over my mind and proceed to cease all thoughts related to anything else than moving my lips along to the lyrics and processing all possible meanings behind them. I guess I've never really consciously done this before and just wanted to inform you about it because it was extremely calming. All I can really say about it was that before I knew it, forty minutes had passed by and I didn't even realize that my legs had been moving. I just blankly stared out the window across the field that it looks to and digested the music. I don't even know how to describe it, but it was strangely peaceful and hope that with some hobby of yours you too can achieve this state of complete contentedness.

Locked Out

I would like to tell you guys the story of me being locked out. Now I know that most of you almost immediately assume that this is about me being locked out of my house, car, or some other important structure that holds much value to me. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint but this is actually referring to my incompetence with my voice mail system on my phone. Yes I do know that it's not that hard to remember the password for my voice mail account but let me defend myself here. I don't use my phone that often. Other than the occasional text from a family member it's radio silence that radiates from the little blue device in my jean pocket. Although I quite enjoy not being constantly summoned with a vibration to signal that I got a call or text, sometimes it's comforting to know that someone does want to talk to me. Even if it's just through a little square bright screen with typed words and emoticons only showing the faintest of emotions. It's nothing like actual face to face conversation, but who are we kidding? Does anyone really communicate that way anymore? Getting back to the point, I rarely put my phone to good use and I guess that's why it's lasted for four years and it's still going strong. Or at least I believe it is. Anyways, I almost never get texts and the frequency for calls to me is even less. Every four months or so I get a voice mail, but to my great disappointment I can't listen to it. You wanna know why? I have never been able to open it. I've had it reset more than half a dozen times but until today I have not been able to remember that password for the life of me. I don't know if anybody else besides me does this but I just thought you would like to be informed of my triumph over this infuriating piece of technology. And I can proudly say that I have finally listened to my few, but still existent voice mails.
And now since you have the background I will continue to tell you about one of said voice mails from my older sister. It was last year during track season in May and I was at the state divisionals representing the long distance team of my school when my older sister showed up to support me. And on her way home she started to text me about it and said that she called and left me a very exciting voice mail and that I should really listen to it. Well, like you know from what I have previously pointed out I did not know my password and couldn't listen to it and was about to delete it because the little icon at the bottom of the screen showing you that you have an unread message when she told me that I have to keep it because it was the best message she has ever left anyone. And now I can definitely say that she was right and it was a good idea to keep it this long. It may have taken 8 months, but I listened to it and I can agree. And I just wanted to point out that some people really should try to limit their caffeine intake... With that I say goodbye until next post. Have a wonderful day!

The Joy of Running on a Treadmill

So, since there is snow on the ground outside that mostly gives way to ice underneath it I've been forced to get into shape by running on a treadmill. I've done a total of four runs and plan to run every weekday every week until my track season starts sometime in March and I hope that I don't have to run all of those on the treadmill. Basically, for the first 15 minutes I'm perfectly content listening to the music and thinking about the things while I blankly stare out the window to nothing from my garage. The feeling of working out at that point actually is somewhat enjoyable and I realize why I do this and why I like it when I finish and think back to it, but anytime after that first 15 minutes is filled with complaining and annoyance and trying to keep myself from looking at the timer to see how much more time I have to run on that stupid contraption. I'm not saying that everybody feels like this when running on a treadmill but I just thought I'd vent here and tell you how stupid I think they are. Each time I run on it my passion for hating it grows along with my love for running in town on the clear streets in the summer does. I guess it's healthy for when the time comes that I can run outside without fear that I will slip on ice and break a something or get a concussion but until then I'm going to continue hating that thing and will enjoy the day when I no longer have to run on it.

Physical Exertion is Exhausting

Tonight, I proceeded to commit to my plan and start working out and prepare for my upcoming track season. I don't know what in the world I was thinking! For the first part, it was enjoyable to be running again. I was jamming out to the music on the treadmill and suddenly, halfway through, my legs felt like they had been sunk into water and I couldn't move them without tremendous effort and then shortly following that, a brick had been set on my chest. I couldn't breath and I felt pathetic. Needless to say, I really don't like myself for convincing me that it was alright to take off about three months before starting to run again. This first run felt horrible, but I guess it can only get better with time, right? I don't care what you think, because that's what I am sticking with. If I'm not positive now I'll never continue running every day until track season. This is gonna be a long trek uphill with a rope pulling me down, but I will make it up that darn hill even if it kills my body and brings me to complete exhaustion. I will make it! So with this I ask, what are you hoping to accomplish in the beginning of this new year, and the more important question... are you willing to go after that goal even if you get pushed down, set back, and given challenges? I sure hope so, because if you are willing to start working towards something that means it was worth enough for you to continue until the end and you achieve that goal. Good luck! I know I'm certainly gonna need some.

Back to Reality

Monday is the day I go back to school and to be completely honest, I really don't want to go back. Of course like any other person I really like being on break and doing whatever I want all day long, but everyone has to return to the real world at some point and it will probably end up being a test to see if I can really stick to my New Year's Resolution I promised myself. I don't really have much to report and I hope all you enjoy the last of your vacation and make the most of whats left of it. Hopefully the holiday season went well for you and good luck with the return to reality.