The Art of Tolerating Pain

As the years have progressed I like to look at myself as a regular endurer of pain. I have done the same thing many times that results in me being incredibly sore, which is majorly stupid. Right? But still, being stupid does have its benefits.
I remember a time when I was out of shape and the first day of cross country freshman year of high school was one of the most eye opening experiences. Not monumental in retrospect but at the time all that was going through my head was, "Wow. Who knew that high school sport workouts were such a HUGE step-up from middle school?" Of course I expected a difference in intensity, but it still surprised me. It was too bad in reality. I had my older sister (who was a senior at the time) to ask a whole bunch of questions and complain to. But she was actually pretty good already, don't ask me how because I don't believe she ran too terribly much.
The second day came and the coaches got down to the more intense stuff, or so it seemed for a terrified little incoming freshman. I wasn't too bad for a freshman that hadn't run most of the summer, which made me feel better about myself and I had a friend that was the same level as me and we complained together. It's quite nice to have someone to complain with. Mutual pain is much more bearable than pain by yourself. Let me tell you how much that helped.
So the next day I heard my alarm go off, startled by the obnoxious buzzing noise of it vibrating on my bookcase. And as soon as I moved to sit up I felt it. One of the worst pains I had ever experienced. My back ached, muscles crying out to stop moving and return to bed. I gathered my foggy wits and decided that my back muscles hurting was okay. I could deal with that. So I moved to swing my legs over the side of the bed, the buzzing still insistent in the background and I felt it again. My thighs, hamstrings, calves, hips. They all cried out in pain, screaming to my nerves that I should just stop being motivated. Screw the alarm. I don't have to go to cross country today. But my mind decided otherwise. My legs were fine, I could deal with that. So I got up, hunched over in pain from the sheer action of standing and hobbled over to my phone. I reached out to silence the stupid thing and what do ya know? My entire arm was tight. My muscles hurt like no other. I didn't know the stupefying number of how many place you could hurt at once.
I still remember that first day of being sore. Yet that shocking pain did nothing to motivate me as the seasons went by. Track freshman year, didn't run in the off season either. Sophomore cross country, nope. Sophomore track, no again. Now it is my senior year and I have yet to learn the lesson. Maybe when track comes around. I'll make sure to run in this next off season. Am I telling the truth? I sure hope so. Am I gonna do it for sure? I sure wish I will. Can anybody know for sure if I will actually stick to it? Nope. I guess time will tell. The one thing I do know for sure though is that no matter if I run a lot or none at all, the first day won't be as painful as expected. Because the one thing I have learned from my stupidity in not running in the off season is that my body is getting more and more conditioned to my abusive laziness. I have now mastered the art of tolerating pain from being sore. It's just a fact. Will that affect my decision to do well during the season after I've already put myself through this, heck yeah. If my body is willing to deal with the pain then I'm willing to work harder to get better faster so I can catch up to the people who have a two month head start. I'm not gonna lie though. I can be honest with you guys. One of the only reasons I stay motivated about getting better anymore after not running off season is because my body has shown me that it can bounce back much more quickly than others. In the last three years of doing this, I have gone from the complete bottom to the top in less than three weeks. Every time. Without fail. I just hope this time will be no different.

Down on My Knees

There is some music in this world that can bring people to tears in seconds. It can make even the most locked up person expose their true thoughts and ideas. This kind of music varies for all people. Some songs trigger something in one person but not another. And that is what makes this kind of music so rare and unique.
Today I found the song that does this to me. It may not for you but I ask you to at least humor me and listen to it with an open mind. In fact, what would make this type of song most effective is to go into a dark room, close your eyes and let all thoughts leave your mind. Listen to this song in complete isolation, letting it consume you and release all sight of the real world for a brief amount of time. I hope you can feel the same pull that I do from this song. Something about it just grabs me and doesn't let go. If this makes any sense, it is so captivating that I would rather learn the lyrics to it by listening to it many times over rather than ever seeing the lyrics written in any form. It is so that I never want to see the lyrics anywhere but in my mind or hear them as I sing along or just listen. Doing this will allow it to stay surreal forever, which in turn keeps all the uniqueness in place.

The Most Wonderful Discovery

So today I was watching a movie that started out unimpressive but as it progressed I enjoyed it a little. I even happened to shake my head at the characters and their stupid mistakes. And by the end I still was impressed, but ten minutes before it ended there was a huge curveball thrown and it actually made me fall in love with the movie. It was really quite genius, but that is not what this post is about. As the movie ended a song came on that is known in my mind as one of my sisters favorite songs.

And as I listened to it and watched the happily ever after ending of the movie I began to really like it for the first time. It's weird how listening to songs in different contexts can make it more enjoyable or less interesting. I've noticed this difference between when I listen to a song for the first time in the car while I'm driving versus on my laptop or Ipod. It is quite amazing how that affects it. So without further ado I present to you the best video I have ever found for the song. You and I by Ingrid Michaelson.

Just because I'm feeling like sharing today I'll give you another song that I found by this same Youtuber named tinydoodlez. This song just caught my attention right away. I hope you enjoy it.

I can't resist it. I have to share another. This song didn't quite grab me despite it being entertaining in the beginning but the man's part in the song is what really intrigued me. Last one. I swear.

I hope this brightened your day a little more to see some cute doodles to songs. Because I know it sure did with me.

Music, Such a Powerful Thing

It's been a while. I can't saw that I've been busy, because that's not true. I have plenty of time on my hands. I just don't know what to write about. I just wanted to take a moment to praise music and it's abilities.
Many times I have found myself listening to a song and suddenly a flash of a memory pops into my head. Whether its from ten years ago or last week, there seems to be memories connected to certain songs. And I know that this happens with almost everyone. The important moments in our lives are marked, like a dog-earred page in your favorite novel for that one scene. That one sentence that captivates your mind. Music acts like our dog-earred pages in our lives.
I can list many songs that mean something to me. Or even entire CDs for that matter. Here are just a few I can think of off the top of my mind.
1. Everything You Want (the album) by Vertical Horizon- road trips back to my Mom's house after visiting my Dad's in another state [10 years ago]
2. FireHouse (the album)- playing with my younger sister for hours on end in the summer, sometimes breaking our Breyer horses [7 years ago]
3. I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry- one of the first memories I have when my family moved to a new state, driving down the highway on the way back to our rental house [5 years ago]
4. When We Were Young by The Killers- playing Guitar Hero with my stepsister and stepbrother, one of the first times I can remember hanging out with them without being shy after almost 3 years of knowing them [6 years ago]
5. Alan Jackson (almost all his 1990's music and early 2000's)- traveling with my Dad from my Mom's to visit him and also playing with my younger sister [10 years ago]
6. Stubborn Love by the Lumineers- the first time I opened up to a friend about my passion of music, it was the first song he shared with me and I instantly loved it [3 years ago]
7. Hello Bonjour by Michael Franti and the Spearhead- driving a friend back home after a dinner with the cross country team, we sang it together as the streetlights whizzed by, singing at the top of our lungs replaying it over and over again [1 year ago]
There and many more moments and songs that I could mention. But to get to the point, music has been there at many turnpoints in my short 17 year life and I wouldn't change a thing. Music is what brings us together. Keep those memories close and remember that music can always be used to capture a moment.

The Jaw-Dropping Transformation Begins

To begin with, I am going to point out that I have not written on here for a good month. And let me tell you that this is not because I forgot about it. No. This is certainly not the reason. The real reason is because during the last month life has been crazy. Between school, home life, friends, and just overall life realizations I have just had too much on my mind to do and think about.
Recently I have begun to read some of John Green's novels. If you do not know of these aforementioned novels or haven't read any of them, then you need to add another item to your checklist right now. Not kidding. Right now get out your checklist (be it mental or physical) and write down "read one of John Green's novels" because I will tell you right now, these are mainly the root of my realizations. They have some real life changing stuff in those suckers. So read it. Preferably right away.
Now that that problem has been dealt with I will continue on as normal. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Having not written. Well the problem with this writing a blog thing is that I hardly turn on my laptop anymore. You know how in my last post I told you that I was going to start disconnecting myself from the social media? Well, I sort of made some progress with that (which meant that I no longer felt the need to start up my laptop everyday). But to go along with that I also relapsed a little also... I'll admit it now and get it over with. Yes, I did delete my facebook app on my ipod which has immensely freed up my time but in exchange I got myself a instagram account. (and everybody now shakes their head in disappointment). But I swear that this has not really bogged down my progress at all. In fact I believe it improved it because all my friends from facebook have an instagram account and by just looking at the few minuscule posts on there I no longer feel the need to even log into facebook at all. It's quite amazing actually.
On that note, I have also been getting into reading novels again. What with school ending next Wednesday I finally have time to enjoy a good book. Sort of. I guess that is sort of a lie because the books I am reading are actually connected with school in a way but I did get to chose what books I wanted to read so I consider that power enough to cancel out the saddening fact that, yes, they still do have to do with school. But to change to a happier subject, summer is finally here! The butterflies, dragonflies, and sadly normal flies are out and about. Fluttering, gliding, and buzzing from place to place. Some being stared at it awe, others getting sideways glances, and the unfortunate followers facing the all-mighty flyswatter. Such a sad, sad life for those flies. But they are asking for it. They cannot enter my house and expect not to become a target. As soon as they make the stupid mistake of invading my personal space, down comes the hammer. Now that I think about it, that is kind of what it's like for people (specifically boys) around me... Get too close and this fired up girl will start swinging. I always need my room. No touchy.
Also relating to that, I believe that I am transforming into a girly girl (much to my disappointment). Just in these last few days I decided I would paint my toenails. Paint my toenails! I NEVER do that. And to make matters worse, I kind of enjoyed it... so guess what I did. I know you guys already know it. Yes. I painted my fingernails. Not only am I ashamed of being happy with this, but now everybody can see my girly girl rearing its ugly (yet cute, darn you inner girly girl!) head. Tomorrow I will go to school and I can bet you that I will get at least 6 comments on it. That may be simply because throughout my entire residency in Montana, I don't believe that I have EVER come to school with any form of nail polish on any type of body surface resembling nails... ever. So needless to say, there are gonna be some heads turning at this event.
Another discussing point is the fact that I am now technically a senior in high school. GASP!! Did I just seriously say that? And is that really true? Yes. Yes it is. This summer I will go through the horribly and utterly unfavorable experience of taking my senior pictures. To sum up my feelings on this subject I will say this and only this. I would much rather be on the other side of the camera. I always thought being the single subject of a picture was weird. Why am I so interesting that it merits me having an entire picture to myself? I'm not. That's why its so weird. I believe that any picture worth taking either has animals, a group of people (more than 1), or a stunning landscape. If I am going to be in a photograph, then another animal/person has to be with me. Also, I don't like looking at pictures of myself. I think its weird to see myself. If we had been intended to see ourselves then we would have naturally had someway to view ourselves. Needless to say, I think that "keeping up an appearance" is a stupid idea. Yes, it's fun to sometimes make yourself look pretty (or handsome) for that special occasion but to do it everyday takes away from the magical transformation. And as days go by where you continue to curl your hair every morning, or wear a extremely cute skirt (I can't believe I just said that), a little of the magic is sucked out of the view.
The same idea applies to our surroundings. You may grow to think that everything around you is boring. That the view no longer seems as astounding, but if you just take a break and go somewhere else you will come back to realize that the beauty has returned. I try to live by this idea because I certainly don't want to become the forgotten beauty. So I only dress up nice clothes (in comparison to basketball shorts and t-shirts) every once in a while. And what can you guess happens? The magic is still there. Every. Single. Time.

Disconnected

Lately I've been working on disengaging myself from Facebook and other social media sources. Deleting my Facebook app on my ipod, turning on my laptop only when I have to so I don't get sucked into the deep dark abyss that is internet surfing. And what I have found is that it is a breath of fresh air. Literally because to cope with this I have distracted myself with keeping my bedroom window open and it actually worked. Anyways, I just recently glanced down my Facebook page to see if there was anything important from family or friends and I ran across a video. And to reward myself for being so disciplined in staying away from the internet I allowed myself to watch it. Here it is, I hope you enjoy and this is the kind of revelation that I went through just minutes before I took that first step and cleared out my ipod of social media apps.

Dreams: Deep Down Insecurities

Just a few minutes ago I was avoiding my homework, standing in the middle of my room, flicking a dime into the air and letting it drop into my hand. To explain this you need to know that about three weeks ago I found this dime on the floor in school. I can't remember when but the rest of that entire day it kept me occupied and it just so happened that this particular day was dragging on and on. It wasn't a very pleasant day to begin with and somehow that little dime got me through it. So since then it has traveled from my jeans pocket to my dresser and back again. And no matter how many times I moved it from one place to another I couldn't seem to lose that little sucker, so naturally I decided on default that it was worth keeping. For the past week or so it's been sitting on my dresser. And occasionally when I don't know what to do or know what to do (homework) and don't want to do it, I pick it up and flip it a couple times. It sails into the air as I delight in the slight "ping" sound it makes, shining in the light and landing down on my hand. I don't know why this process captures me so and I will probably never know, but that is beside the point. Just to clarify what all that above was useful for was pointing out the significance of that little dime. So as I stood in my room, flipping that dime up and down in the air, concentrating on catching it, something occurs to me. But I will tell this later. For now, I will provide you will this completely related but entirely different train of thought that I had.

I feel as if I am a natural writer and sometimes I am randomly hit with a revalation of something to put into one of my current stories.

And this revalation just so happens to be based off of my dreams. Today I was in art class and somehow the conversation turned to the subject of dreams. I have had a variety of dreams. Ranging from nightmares containing irrational fears and ridiculous situations to more realistic stories. And as we were discussing all the different ranges of dreams a thought occurred to me. I, like any other person, have had many nightmares with fears of wolves, drowning, and physical contact. Wait what? Back up there? Did she just say physical contact? Yes. Yes I did. And this is what prompted the revalation when flipping the dime. As I discussed dreams with my classmates I happened to let it slip that I had dreams where I physically felt like I was being touched while in a dream and it was because of this feeling that I freaked out and woke up. Kinda weird right? To explain this more I will trust in you guys some of my dreams. The first is the least severe of all, but one of the weirdest. I happened to be currently writing down dreams when I had this one the night before. So here is my summarization of it. 

 ********* walks up to me while I'm getting stuff out of my locker and offers me a hand up. I stare at him and he doesn't withdraw it, looking at me with a smile. I ask him why he's holding his hand out and turn and sit hugging my knees, staring up at him as he still stares down at me.

This is what I wrote when I woke up and the *** act as a sensor for what name was really there. And I'm just going to say that this person, boy, was not just random but happened to be a guy I currently had a crush on at the time. I don't know why I had a dream like this but it wasn't just this. This same sort of situation transferred into another dream. And as it came to freaky realistic in the last dream I have had about it to date I looked back and realized I had a dream almost exactly a year ago similar to the one described above. Here is it's summary I wrote:

 I only remember a small part but I am in a huge modern city and  I am waiting at a bus stop. Everything in silver and shines brightly. I sit down to wait on the side of the road and ******** is with me and he sits down behind me. I lean back against his chest and he wraps his arms around me. We sit there, and I snuggle my face into his chest.

This guy also happened to be a different guy I had a crush on. So I began to wonder, do I have a craving for physical contact or am I actually afraid of it. Then I proceeded to have the dream below containing the same guy from the first dream described:

 I am in my room, watching things on my laptop and am messaging ******* when suddenly the door bursts open and he is standing right there. I gasp in surprise and look around my room to see if anything embarrassing is up. He looks around slowly and says he likes my room a lot and he lays down on the bed, my laptop between us.

I know that by now you guys are probably wondering what this has to do with the dime. I assure you, it will connect, just bear with me. And finally, because I trust you guys so much (and the anonymity helps a lot) this is the final dream I had. Now, keep in mind the following things.

1. I have never had a boyfriend

2. This means I have never been kissed

3. This also means that I have only been hugged by a guy four times in my life

4. I didn't grow up with touchy feely parents

5. My siblings and I were also not touchy feely

Overall, I'm not a touchy feely person and generally that sort of stuff freaks me out. I get all squirmish and I duck away from incoming embraces. I actually back away from hugs and once a friend decided to surprise hug me (this also happens to be the guy from the 1st and 3rd dreams that I had a major crush on) and I proceeded to stiffen my entire body and let out a tiny squeak of discomfort while just standing there as he hugged me. And afterward for an entire week I stayed a distance of at least an arms length away. So now, with all this background I will show you the dream summary below: 

I faintly remember this but I had a dream last night and it had something to do with me and a crew being a secret spy team and going into a building that we are going to clear out. There is a guy on my team that I am involved with and I remember being in a room alone. He's standing on the opposite side and says something. I walked over and we are just standing close in front of each other, exploring our eyes, when I stand on my tip toes up to him and pull his lips into a kiss. It was also my first kiss in the dream because I didn't know what to do but I sucked on his bottom lip and released and lost myself in the middle, not knowing what to do until he pulled mine in and took my bottom lip in between his own. It was so realistically weird in a way that I almost felt like it was real. I could feel the wetness of his lips on mine and the heat radiating into my skin. And his hands gripped my hips and pulled me against him. I arched my stomach into his hips and could feel the fabric of his jeans rubbing against my shirt.

Ridiculous right? The weirdest thing though was that I woke up and felt unbelievably awkward. And the guy was even completely random!

So now, in attempt to tie this all together I will go back to the dime thing. So as I stand in my room, tossing this dime up into the air to let it fall back down time slows down and my mind kicks into overdrive. My dreams listed above all come rushing back to me and churn in the river of my thoughts. And finally, the revalation that breaks to the surface, the one that prompted this entire post. Tying back to my insecurities, my identity as a writer, my reputation for being shy and physically conservative, my also equal desire for a boyfriend. The one thought that makes me write all this out. As the dime falls through the air, circling and shining in my eyes, I put upon myself this ultimatum. If I were to be in one of my characters place and be alone in a room with a guy. And he asks if he can kiss me, would I leave all that to chance and say "heads you can, tails you can't"? Would I? Would you? Would you leave any of your most life changing decisions to a game of chance in fear that what you may have independently decided is not the best desicion? That is the question that will haunt me tonight. Will I keep living my life in hopes of what will happen in the future while analyzing the past, or will I just leave the most difficult desicions to the moment they occur?