Starting Fresh

First of all, Happy New Year everyone! I know that most people look at every new year to be a fresh start on their life and make all these resolutions and because I feel so lighthearted right now I will follow along with this and not be antagonistic. I've already been working on this for at least two months now, but I've been trying to be more outgoing and social outside of my school life. For my only resolution I plan to try to get myself out there and make new friends and solidify some previous relationships. For most people this may seem  kinda dumb because it's not that hard to talk to people... right? Well, I have a problem and recently one of my friends and I went skiing and as I was driving her home we got to talking about stuff concerning friends and hanging out. You see, I'm the kind of person that has no problem being alone and spending my time with out being dependent on another person but because of the whole holiday season I've begun to realize that I feel empty. I don't know how else to explain it but I always hear about my friends hanging out and having so much fun over weekends and breaks and all I have to report is that I did in fact get my homework done and watched a few movies. On the rare occasion I'll have a decent story to tell about my family or something I've personally done by myself that I was proud of like finishing a huge book or learning about some historical event that I never learned about before. And as the weeks of this school year go by I feel more and more unsatisfied with this routine. To give you guys a bit of a ratio about how social I am outside of school its something around five hours of hanging out with a friend to roughly two to three months.
I know how ridiculous that seems to some people that can't go a weekend without seeing their friend but before this year I was perfectly fine with staying at home every weekend and watching movies, reading books, visiting with family, or just listening to music but as time progresses I find myself wishing that I was with my friends. But I don't really know how to solve that problem because I'm too much of a chicken to actually create a plan to hang out with someone and am too lazy (basically) to follow it through. But as I was talking more while driving and trying to explain just the reason I have such a problem with this to my friend she helped me understand how to possibly figure this out before I find myself all alone in a couple years and not be able to socialize normally. So I hope you guys can solve your problems that you wish to or make habits that you believe will improve you as a person. Good luck and I'll try to keep true to my resolution and make an effort to get out there more while it's still easy. Again, Happy New Year!

My Winter Break

I've been visiting my dad this past week for my break and therefor didn't have any time to post anything on this blog. I apologize and will now proceed to make up for it by telling you, dear audience, about it and some things I pondered while enjoying my break from school.
I left to go to my father's cabin on Friday after school got out with my two sisters. One of the most funny things about that drive was that almost the entire time I was talking to no one sister particularly because my younger sister was asleep in the back seat and my older sister was driving and recently got her wisdom teeth taken out and didn't want to talk because it hurt. Also, it was blizzarding and she had to focus but once I got tired of talking to myself she turned the music to a comedy station and a segment came on that was one of the most hilarious things I have ever listened to in my life. I think you guys might enjoy this so I shall put the link to it below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYIwPu50Fic
I hope you guys like that. To continue, I had some fun hanging out with my cousin and going four wheeling around the back roads with her and my sisters. Also, my dad just got the family a Xbox One so I was kind of addicted to that the whole time I visited. It's understandable though because my mother doesn't permit any kind of gaming consoles in the house so I have to get my share when I visit him. And I guess I just naturally get the hang of games really fast so Call of Duty: Ghosts was quite enjoyable. After spending the weekend in the cabin we headed back to my dad's home to celebrate Christmas.
Just a little sidetracked, I think my favorite part of Christmas has to be seeing the look on my families face when they open presents from me. I just love getting someone what they wanted or even something that they didn't ask for but liked anyways. It's one of the most satisfying feelings for me.
Anyways, back to what I did. I also read the latest book of my favorite series by Janet Evanovich called the Stephanie Plum series and quite enjoyed that. The day after Christmas I went skiing with my older stepsister who came back from college and my dad at the nearest ski resort. And that was pretty good but I am still quite sore from that because I hadn't previously skiied for two years and it was difficult to get back into it with rental skis. I may have fared better with my own but I forgot to bring them with me. That about sums up my last week of winter break and I hope everybody else is having a wonderful holiday season. I hope to continue posting more regularly but I can't promise anything. Until next time.

Education and It's Interminable Qualities

Unlike all the other students around my area, I still haven't been released for Christmas Break yet and it's just killing me. Some of the other people I know have been out for a week now and I still have another day left to go. Admittedly, my education system has a much longer break than it did in previous years but it's still not good enough. In my opinion, everyday of this last week has seemed like Friday. It's a horrible feeling to think it is the last day before but instead, jokes! you still have four more days left to go before you are released from this prison. And to go along with this, all the classes are still working but are just backing off enough that it feels like it should end and you can go have Christmas Break after the day ends but then you actually have to come back and repeat that horrible process for four more days.
I would have written on this subject earlier but I wanted to stay positive and thought that maybe the days would pass faster if I looked at it without a negative mindset. I know what you're thinking, cleaver right? Well, I guess I'm too smart for myself because it totally didn't work. And to reinforce that excruciating painful slowness my History class has been focusing on looking at the defending cases for slavery in the United States. And after one of the presentation on the five people we were asked to think of some major change to our country that would just seem ridiculous and almost be inconceivable. Granted some people thought of pretty good ones. For example there was getting rid of all cars (electric and gas powered), making it illegal to eat meat or take out all the meat processing companies and shutdown any related services, completely cutting off all use to fossil fuels, but I felt those just weren't good enough. So I raised my hand to share my idea of a huge country changing move and it was the following; all the public and private education would be abolished and parents would teach children. I thought it was a pretty good idea, not applying to the ridiculous part of the exercise but definitely unimaginable. Since I have never had the experience of homeschooling I have no idea how it feels to adjust your schooling schedule to the rest of your life so it seems pretty significantly different to have this happen. What are your ideas on this and if this did happen, how would you react to it? Of course this relates in the way that it made the week seem even longer when I thought about the possibility of no more school. But no matter, I am to the end and will finish happily knowing that Christmas is close by. I wish you guys happy holidays and safe traveling since that seems to be what people always do these days during vacation and holiday seasons.

Just (1/20/2012)

Just

just another unspoken word

trying to be heard

just a thought left alone

speaking in a thousand tones

... just another person passing by

i wonder and look at the sky

just a piece of me that is took away

never meant to be hurt in such a way

just another mislead heart

knowing it is not apart

just..... here

just..... there

just..... wondering

just..... thinking

just..... pondering

just looking for a way to survive

no.... just looking for a way to live

...love

...laugh

no lies

no suprise

no... im not afraid

no... im not lying

no... im not crying

im... just... thinking

just... realizing what the difference is between reality and fantasy

First Snow Globe of the New Year (1/1/2012)

First Snow Globe of the New Year

              The snow fluttered down through the air, slowly like a falling leave. My jacket and jeans weren’t keeping me warm. I walked down the sidewalk, trudging through the snow. The scarf around my neck is silky and white. It matched with the snow. My silver jeans were well fitted, and my coat a dark brown. The buttons on it were pure white. My curled, dirty blonde hair was pulled back by a silver beret. My bangs were pinned back with a black bobby pin. My eyes sparkled, reflecting the snow with a sea blue tint. I was wearing brown, stylish boots. The snow fell so much that it looked as if the world was a snow globe and somebody had shaken it. I turned off to a dirt road. The rocks crunched underneath my shoes. Suddenly the sound of a clanky, old pickup reached my ears. I looked back and saw a ’97 Silver Chevy heading down the road. It went past me, but soon the tailgate lit up in red. The pickup was turned off and a guy stepped out. He walked towards me. Soon he and I got close enough together I could make out who he was. It was Jake. He was in all of my classes. His eyes were a dark brown color. He wore a pair of buckle jeans, a plaid polo, and a blue Hollister sweatshirt; his hair was spiked up, but forward and was a sandy blonde. He was wearing a pair of Nike tennis shoes. We finally got within talking distance when he greeted me nicely.
“Hello Kali,” Jake said joyously.
“Hi,” I said smiling happily.
“It’s very beautiful isn’t it?” Jake stated.
“Yes. It is wonderful how nature chooses to express itself.”
“May I join you on a walk?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said with a smile.
He turned and walked by my side, but put a comfortable distance between us. Together we left footprints in the snow. I looked out into a field that was covered with a blanket of white. The barbed wire fence had a topping of snow on it. I looked out into the field with wonder. Curiosity. Respect. I glanced at Jake, walking beside me. He inched closer to me.
“So why are you taking a walk so early in the morning? The sun hasn’t even risen yet.” Jake stated with curiosity.
“I figured that you only have one life, each second that passes you can never get back. Why waste my life inside, or sitting on a couch watching TV when you could be enjoying the once in a lifetime things. I will never see that snowflake again for as long as I live. It may be in a different form, but I will never see it like that again,” Kali said with a tone of respect. “I want to enjoy the things that are happening around me, because they will never happen again.”
“With such a craving for nature, why aren’t you in VoAg?” Jake asked.
“Well, I already have an experience with nature at home, so I chose to make it easier to reach my full potential in high school.” Kali said, embarrassed.
Jake stared at me through the falling snow. His eyes glittered. I could see the white falling flakes in his eyes. I looked back and couldn’t see the pickup. Suddenly I felt Jake’s hand holding mine. I looked back to him; determination to impress me was floating all around. I could see it. I flashed him a quick smile. I pulled my hand from his grip and ran down in the ditch. Laughing. He chased after me and lifted me over the fence. As soon as my feet touched the ground I ran off towards the forest. He leaped over the fence and chased after me. He finally caught up to me and grabbed me by the waist, pulling me to a stop. I giggled and kicked to get free. He laughed in my ear and let me go. I turned around and reached for the ground. Making a snowball I threw it and it hit his chest. He made one and threw it at my stomach. It hit me, but I couldn’t even feel it through my coat. I lunged forward and tackled him to the ground. I lay on top of him, holding his jacket so I didn’t fall off into the snow. He stopped laughing and looked into my eyes. I smiled and stared back. I took some snow off the ground and shoved it onto his face. He spit it out, laughing. I got off of him and ran into the scattered trees. Jumping out of the snow, he pursued me with a smile on his face. I turned back to see if he was closing in. The snow sprayed out from under my shoes. I reached down to the coat of white and started to make a snowball. Turning around I threw it and it hit his arm. Knocking him off balance he fell to the ground. I sprinted forward. About one hundred yards in front of me was a perfect tree for climbing. I raced for it and turned back to see Jake getting to his feet. I crawled up in the tree and brushed off a branch for me to sit. I swung my feet through the air slowly, smirking at Jake who was running towards the tree.
Jake finally reached the pine. He jumped for my feet, but couldn’t reach them. He tried to claw his way up the tree, but he couldn’t get a grip. Jake jumped halfway up the tree and finally held onto the branch, but I reached down and pushed him back down. He landed in the snow with a thud, spray of the flakes glittered in the rising sunlight. I looked up through the trees to see that the sun was just dawning over the mountains in the distance. Jake got up and climbed up the tree. Sitting beside me, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I reached up and took his other hand in mine, holding it by my face. I rested my head on his and watched the sun. The birds chirped around us and the squirrels and chipmunks chattered. Snowflakes fell slowly to the ground and added to the shimmering coat of white. I felt Jake’s hand release mine and he ran his fingers through my hair. I crossed my legs and swung them back and forth. With his other hand he touched my face. I looked up at him. He pulled my head upward and closed his eyes. He started to move forward towards me, but surprising him; I reached over and pushed him off the edge of the tree branch. Jake fell to the ground, while I started to climb down. As soon as my feet hit the ground I took off running towards the edge of the forest.
All I felt was her hand on my back. The next thing I knew I was falling to the blanket of white below. I looked up out of the snow and saw her running towards the end of the forest. I got up quickly and sprinted after her.
I turned around to see him coming right behind me. I stopped and hugged one of the nearest trees, turning around so I could see him coming. He came to a sliding stop, spraying snow everywhere. I turned around and leaned against the tree. He walked forward and put his arms on the tree, trapping me between them. I put my hands on his shoulders and saw his hands slid down the bark and rest on my waist. I looked up into his eyes and stared into them. I could see them going back and forth, looking into mine. I stood up on my toes and my lips touched his cheek. I leaned back against the tree. He gripped my waist tighter and pulled me forward. Bending down he brought me to him and his lips gently brushed mine. I felt like it lasted for hours, but I pulled away and leaned against the tree again. He reached for my hands and pulled me forward. We walked out of the forest, in the morning sun. I reached down and grabbed his hand. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I hugged his arm.
The sidewalk to her house was covered in snow. Looking down at my watch, I saw that it was only 7:00 A.M. She walked ahead of me and stood on the porch. I slowly stepped up the stairs and stood across from her. She stared into my eyes and I couldn’t hold back the urge. I leaned forward once more and kissed her passionately. We broke off and she turned slowly. Gripping the door handle she walked inside and gave me one last smile before the door closed.

Irrational Phobias

Sometimes I think about all my fears that I have and rationalize them. I'll just sit there for minutes and ponder all these different ways to make it seem like this fear is reasonable but I always end up just being disappointed in myself. I mean, is it really that hard not to be afraid of tiny eight legged insects? I don't think so. I'm so much bigger than them and half of them are not even poisonous... So why do I still scream in fright when I see them crawling around the house? I can't give you an answer to that question but I can say that some of it may be because of my mother. Lately she's been creating a "healthy fear" of spiders in my little 3 year old sister. Does she have no shame? Apparently not, and I guess I don't either because sometimes I join in on the fun.
Admittedly, one of those times I got what I deserved because I was trying to scare her by screaming at a dead spider on the floor and she let out a high pitched squeal and almost started crying and I began comforting her and stood nearer and said, "See? It's just a little spider. Besides, it's already dead!" and then I proceeded to scream my heart out as it started crawling towards my foot. Being the caring sister that I am, I was prepared to sacrifice her to the spider. The situation was quickly remedied by my mom squashing the devil with a nearby shoe, but I just guess that was pretty funny because she continued laughing at me for the rest of the day. So should I really have this fear? No, it's stupid. But will I ever stop screaming when I suddenly discover a spider? Nope. I've been working on it and admittedly I've gotten a lot better with dealing with this. I no longer have emotional breakdowns and cry until I'm tired or avoid the room even a week after the spider is dead. But I don't think I'll ever be able to resist jumping away when I see those creepy crawly creatures. Those are meant to stay outside!
Another weird but generally applicable phobia I have is stage fright. I know that a lot of people have worse stage fright than me, but I guess mine is still pretty bad. I hate giving speeches. I always have them planned out perfectly, but the minute I turn around and see an entire room of people staring at me and waiting to hear what I have to say all of that just flies out the window. I stutter and repeat A LOT of the same ideas over and over again. And my hands start to shake and I can't seem to stop fidgeting with my note cards. It's bad. But somehow, apparently they still end up being good. I wouldn't know if my speeches were good or not because as soon as I sit back down I can't remember a thing of what happened. My brain just froze for 15 minutes and not a single memory is retained from that horribly frightening experience. Another event that I have extreme stage fright with is my piano recitals. And this is why I am writing to you about phobias. I have a piano recital to perform in later this afternoon and I'm already becoming jumpy from the nerves running throughout my system. Of course to help with this I am typing out my feelings and thoughts but it's just not getting rid of them. I try to convince myself that it's not that big of deal but my nerves just stomp out any chance of trying to calm myself.
Let my try to do a little recap for you so you understand the severity of my stage fright. When I give a speech, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being completely calm, my nerves are at about a 6. And normally throughout my day I never get higher than a 2. When I have to socialize with people my nerves reach about a 8, but when I have a piano recital it's about a 15. My whole body starts to shake and my fingers fumble on the keys. I can feel my head shaking in fright and my face heats up. My lip trembles sometimes and even after I sit back down I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and my palms are sweaty and my hands twitch as the adrenaline runs itself out of my system. And for the remainder of the recital I'm fidgeting and my heart doesn't slow. When I finally get out of the building and back into the car to go back home I start to calm down and the result of that ends up being me telling the other person in the car how scared I was and how stupid it was that I was afraid to play my piece in front of about 40 people. I mean, come on! That's pretty pathetic. But still, as the years go on and I participate in more and more recitals I repeat the same procedure.
So to end this post, I ask you, what are your phobias? And are they rational or completely stupid like mine?

Shopping...

So, I'm just guessing that you have a preconceived assumption that all girls like to shop. Well get ready because I'm going to ruin that generalization. Shopping, to me, is the worst thing in the world. I dread when I have to go and buy something. It just sucks. Unless it's small snacks. Then for the most part I'm okay with it. Other than that, all the other types of shopping is horrible. I don't like buying myself clothes, or anything else. Sometimes I think it's fun to shop for other people, for example Christmas presents!, but other than that I despise when I have to leave the comforts of my home and go and face all the other ravenous consumers of my town. So lately, I've been working on doing about an hour and a half worth of shopping each day so I don't have to completely frazzle my poor precious mind and go and buy all the presents I need at once. Now, you see. That technique may not seem that bad for you but let me assure you that I NEED to do this. In fact, I'm going to spell this out for you. I have to shop for two families. Divorced parents are nice at times, but then that also means more people to think about. With my dad, I have to shop for six people. And apparently two dogs. Don't ask me why, but my younger sister always feels the need to buy them some more annoying squeaky toys that will make me want to tear my hair out. And if that's not bad enough, I also then have to balance that with buying my mom's side of the presents. Now that means seven MORE people. Yeah, that's where it gets a little overwhelming. That's still not the best part though. Not even close. On some people I have money limits but also I have to try to get as close to that value as I can. With my mom, I have to try to spend $100 on some. Sometimes it's easy to fill that, but also what you want to get them is a little too expensive so you pair up with another family member to get that, but that also means figuring out how much each person comes out with so we don't mix up our allotted money. Thankfully, with my dad he just gives us some money and we figure it out. Let me say that, sometimes I try to give quite a bit of money back. I just can't think of enough stuff to spend money on to give certain people. In conclusion, I have decided to hole myself up in my house forever and just order stuff online. Stores are too crazy and other customers always give me that look when I walk up to the register with an array of towels, soap, food, movies, cds, shoes, jackets, gift cards, and books. Yeah, it's not fun to get that look.

Me and You (12/3/2011)

This is one of my poems that I wrote. Please excuse the extreme amount of cheesiness... I wrote it two years ago so, that may explain some of it. I hope you enjoy!

Me and You

We walk down the hall hand in hand

I can’t believe I can even stand

When you asked me to be your girl

That’s when my mind started to swirl

I know I love you

But I can’t help but wonder do you love me too?

Every time we go for a walk I purposely forget my coat

I want to rest my head under your throat

You wrap your arms around me

I love what we’ve come to be

You unzip your coat and wrap it around my body

I protected now from anybody

The snow crunches under our feet

We’ve veered off into the forest away from the street

The trees get thicker and more condense

Us being together makes perfect sense

I lean against a snowy tree

You stop and stare at me

You turn your head and look both ways

I plant my feet, determined to stay

You see no one in sight

Crouching down you make a ball and start a snowball fight

I cover my face, giggling

You push me down and start tickling

We both laugh and lay by each other

Looking up into the sky together

You grab my hand and hold it close

Opening your mouth you start to boast

You try to impress me

Telling me what you want to be

You get up and offer me a hand

I grip it tight and you pull me to a stand

I brush myself off

Suddenly you stop

Wrapping your arms around me

I embrace you tightly

We stare into each other’s eyes

It’s no surprise

I lean against a tree

Hoping you can’t see

I’m blushing underneath this shield

But you are an open field

I slide down and sit on the snow

You cannot know

You take a seat right next to me

And wrap your arm around me protectively

I turn away

But it doesn’t lead you astray

Your hand turns my face to look at you

I can’t help seeing you too

You put you head against mine

I don’t head the signs

You close your eyes and turn your head

I wouldn’t do anything instead

I shut my eyes tight

Not afraid to sleep tonight

You’ve made me feel comfortable

The thought of you leaving me is unbearable

But I know you are not going to lie

When your lips softly touch mine

*S*N*O*W*

December. The coldest month of the year. Snow falls almost everyday and blankets the world around us in white. It glitters under the sun and makes you get that excited, dance around in circles because it's such a happy weather, mood. The Christmas tree lights flicker and through the window you can see a background of flakes, floating to the ground peacefully. That jolly music, you know what I'm talking about, fills every room in your home and family can be heard singing along while doing the everyday routine.

Personally, I quite enjoy the winter season. Waking up to see the fresh fallen snow cover the fields and mountains surrounding my house fills me with a giddiness and I can't help but giggle in delight. Yeah, snow does that to a girl. You see, I have this kind of mindset that automatically sympathizes with every sappy romantic story that involves walking in the snow and holding hands. Am I ashamed of that? Well, maybe. But you can't expect much different from me because I'm a girl. And we girls do that. Or at least I do.

Anyways... I just love winter so much. It's the purest of the seasons. Everything is white and it's like a big empty canvas painted with the dark greens of trees showing through the blizzard, or the brown ground barely showing through the layer of that fluffy stuff. So, since you can so obviously tell that I basically adore this season I will probably treat you to some of my stories that I've written pertaining to anything along the lines of snow or winter. And before you get all excited, I would caution you that I wrote some of these more than a year ago, and my writing skills have improved immensely since then so it may not be all that great along those lines. But it's your choice to read them or not so I'm not gonna say that I made you read them. Just a fair warning. Along with that, I also wrote some poems and those may be included also.

Returning to the current subject, I just think that some people take for granted what is right in front of them. For example, about four years ago now my dad and stepmother decided to be a host family for a foreign exchange student. She was from South America and had never seen snow before in person her entire life. She said to us as we were driving her home from the airport that she watched many movies that had snow in them but never had seen any herself. When she saw the pictures of the mountains near my house she said that the snow was what she looked forward to most. Even though I wasn't there to see her expression the first time she saw snow I still remember the day I went to visit and we decided to go onto a nearby hill right outside of town and sled. She was so excited to go out in the snow and I guess I just never thought of how some people have never seen a single snow flake in their entire lives. And how some never will. It just reminds me that we sometimes take the simplest things for granted and even complain about the things we get, just because we want to see something else. I think that we should just realize that sometimes people wouldn't hesitate to take you up on our offers of "switching places" with them just for a day because they certainly wouldn't waste some of the opportunities we get everyday but just pass by.

So on that note I can delightfully and honestly tell you that when I woke up this morning and looked outside my window to see at least 10 inches of fresh new snow already covering the 3 inches we had from the previous day, I was beyond happy. I was jovial. Cheerful even, and the Christmas spirit I had been losing over the past few days was renewed beyond measurable circumstances. Of course a little part of me was less excited to try to drive to school in the stuff, but thankfully that was overwhelmed by my lighthearted mood. Some people may have complained that it was too deep to walk in, that it was only 15 degrees out, that they had to actually shovel the walk and brush the thick fluffy layer of snow off their car. But not me! I was excited because it was FIFTEEN degrees outside! Not the finger numbing -7 that it had been just last Saturday. And the brushing my pickup off, that was quite enjoyable. No, not because I find pleasure in freezing off my fingers or reaching over the hood to get all the ice off my windshield but because I launched each stroke towards my sister and left her in a flurry of white. So just try to remember that some people would kill for your life. Try to enjoy what you have and maybe some others don't. Live life blissfully.

Emotions (Why Do They Even Exist?)

We all hopefully know that the most complicated thing in your life is dealing with emotions. It just takes so much energy and time to deal with them, good or bad, it doesn't matter. But I guess it always seems that as soon as you get all of them in line, another fantastically horrible event messes them all up again. While I was talking to one of my close friends tonight we came across this subject and I came up with a pretty accurate way to describe all those moments concerning said disasters.
So, imagine this. Your emotions are a deck of cards and somehow, whether by a draft in the room or a cruel person deciding to mess you up quite effectively they get scattered across the floor like the all too known game of 52 card pickup. Of course the first reaction to this may be a considerable amount of cussing followed closely by some possibly violent tossing of chairs and then, as you are a completely levelheaded person, you proceed to begin the grueling process of picking up each and every card. In some cases, another person may come to the rescue and help you but we all know what happens when someone else gets involved with our emotions. They become a comforter, someone to lean on and maybe in the end they keep some of your cards. Leaving you shorthanded and completely off balance.
However, since I am such a problem solver, I shall inform you of how you might keep this from happening. I have decided that since some sick minded person decided they would make my emotions "scatter across the floor" I would just pull up a seat, turn on the TV and say something along the lines of "forget that shit. It didn't mean that much to me anyways" and just go to the store the next day and buy a new deck of cards.
So with this I say, screw emotions. They always make things more complicated anyways.

Time and It's Relevance

Time. We are surrounded by time. Watches, clocks, timers, count down, count up, counting seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades, centuries. Time never stops, never waits, never pauses, never reminisces. You have this much time to be a baby, toddler, teenager, adult, elder. Birthday's fly by, we want time to go by faster so we can be older, or to go slower so we can stay younger. We wish we could go back or jump forward. The constant ticking never stops. Clocks are everywhere, counting, in our cars, on our walls, on our phones, in our minds. We have even made different time zones, ways to count time, and ways to keep time. You never relive the same second, minute, day. We may remember, but we never get another chance to do something different in that one second. What has passed stays in the past. We live off of time. Mother's: you better get out of that in 3, 2, 1. School: 7 hour day, start at 8:15 end at 3:15 each class gets 50 minutes, 5 minute passing periods Sleep: go to bed at 9pm wake up at 7am breakfast 7am-10am lunch 12pm-2pm dinner 5pm-8pm Traveling: "Sorry, your flight has been delayed 3hrs, the flight is 8hrs, the drive 3hrs, the walk 1hr Hobbies: 1hr and a half practices, games on this day at this time for this amount of time, overtime, halftime, quarters, thirds, this event starts at this time. counting down to the new year, new day, next class, next activity, next song. Waiting time and during time. We may say that we control it, but the reality is that it controls us. You don't have enough time to keep reading?? Glance at the clock, should i go to bed, do i have enough time to do this before i do? we are always counting... why are we always counting?

Interactions with other People

Let me just start with saying that I am not very social. There. I said it. Does that necessarily mean that I don't like being around people? No... maybe... possibly if that time goes beyond three constant hours. Hey, I never said that I liked people that much. No, I'm much more of a keep to myself kind of person and I do have my good reasons for it. Well, at least they seem like good reasons to me. Because I'm so fond of lists, I guess I'll just list off some of my wonderfully sensible reasons to avoid hanging out with people as much as I should.
1. I don't have to think of things to say. Conversations always seem like so much work to keep going, or at least they are whenever I talk to anyone.
2. I don't have to talk. Now give me a chance to explain. Yes, sometimes it's nice to just speak my mind and just let it all out but it seems that whenever I do people always inflict some pretty harsh judgments. And the obvious reason that I believe silence is a lot more comfortable than continuous speaking and replying and thinking about the other person's answer and question. The one exception to me thinking silence is the best is when I play my music. And usually after that I can't help but sing along.
3. It's too much work to decide what to do next. Don't get me wrong. I like being random and just letting thinking flow to where they may but sometimes I just get so caught up in it that I have a problem and can't stop thinking about what I should do. Should I suggest something else to do? Or rather just keep talking?
4. Then there is always that time when you get sick of hanging out with that person and you don't know how to tell them nicely that you'd like them to leave you alone now.
Another thing that I guess just fuels my horribly unsociable habits is that I've grown up to relatively spontaneous. All of my family has this problem with making plans more than two days ahead of time unless it's a huge idea that needs some time to get figured out.
For example, when deciding whether or not we are going to do something over the weekend my parents wait until Friday night, maybe Friday morning if I'm lucky, to come to the decision that we are driving off somewhere at least three hours away and staying the entire weekend there. Yeah, it's made me annoyed at times, but what am I going to do about it. It's not like I can just say no, like the saying "you don't bit the hand that feeds" and frankly I'm not gonna bite a hand that makes delicious homemade fudge. That's just wrong. So you can see my problem with making plans. Another thing is that I always feel horribly guilty when I have to cancel any promises I made with a friend to go hang out, not like I get much offers anyways. But I still feel horrible.
Along with that, getting all mentally prepared to go out (yes, I have to do that because I'm just that socially challenged) just seems so drawn out and I never enjoy making myself do it. You know how (whether your a guy or girl) that the best part of the evening for girls is getting ready and trying on all outfits and do different hair styles and earrings and countless other things that I wouldn't know. Yeah, that stuff. That's the thing that I dislike the most. Sometimes it's kinda fun to try on random outfits but you would never catch me out in public in it. You see I have this phobia. I haven't figured out a cool name for it yet but basically the jist is that I love my hoodie sweatshirts. You take away those and my t-shirts and I feel extremely deprived and probably will avoid all contact with the outside world. If you see me wear anything other than my basketball shorts, hoodie, t-shirt, or jeans then you are in for a big surprise. Because the only reason I do that is for my piano recitals (which I dread being that I have extreme stage fright) or some presentation that requires I dress nicer. The good thing about this (I know what you are thinking. What could possibly be good about being a complete stale dresser? Well you're in for a surprise, because I've got some pretty amazingly clever reasons for doing this) I'm always comfortable, I don't have to put much effort into my outfits and look because I just do a quick brush through my hair and pin it back with a bobby pin following the slip on of some jeans and a comfy sweatshirt and I'm done, and I can sleep longer in the morning. I'm not insane. Who would lose an entire hour of sleep in the morning just to look pretty for one day. I mean really. That's just crazy. And lastly, since people always see me in something that is so laid back when I actually put just five more minutes of thought (literally) into my outfit and look I get compliments all day. Like, "oh my gosh! you look so pretty today!", or "did you do something different with your hair? I really like it", or "I've never seen you wear that shirt before! It looks so cute on you!", etc... I know what you're thinking. How could I possibly be so self centered. I dress up just to get compliments all day. But that's only when I'm feeling really confident and want people to know it. And sometimes it nice to actually hear somebody notice that I look different of put in a little more flare that day. It warms the heart so to say that realize that people take notice of what I wear. And I get the added advantage of not having to put in that much more effort to impress, so when I want to "blow someone's socks off" I pull out the big guns and wear a dress ;) It's much more impressive that way! Anyways, I hope this helps you guys understand my future posts just to have some background.

Starting always seems so difficult.

So, to begin I happily report that I finally gave into the temptation of creating a blog. Although some part of me feels like it's pathetic to record all my thoughts and feelings onto the Internet for the entire world to see it gives me a sense of importance. I know, kinda silly right? Anyways, I admit that this may be a little rough and tough to read but give me a break. What else would you expect from a not only first time blogger but also a person who doesn't exactly have a easy time sharing my emotions/thoughts/feelings.

I have decided that it is only fair to begin my blogging experience with a summation of how this seems to me right now. I don't know if it's only me, but I always have the hardest time making myself start something. Of course once I get started it doesn't seem as problematic to continue or build off of what has already been written but until I write that first sentence or begin that one activity I can never seem to make myself just push away all my doubts and laziness (yes, I do have a horrible problem with procrastinating and slacking off). For example, with this post already I swear I have re-read it at least four times within the matter of these two paragraphs. I guess I just feel like this isn't as great as a first post should be. But I guess I'm just trying to get the hang of this thing. Just to briefly introduce to you, who ever may be reading this, to what I may discuss or post. And what better way to do this than list it off:

1. My observations in my life that may relate to yours

2. Just some random things I start thinking about

3. Possibly some of my stories I have created (since I like to write in my free time)

4. Venting my problems (hopefully these also may be similar to yours so we can whine and complain together)

I can't think of anything else I would want to include, but I'm sure there will be more to come. For now I will just make you the simple promise of trying to post at least every two days.

Until next time, have a good day!