Deep, Dark Oblivion

Do you have those moments where it's almost like you take a step back from your life and assess your life in the most harsh way possible? Wondering what in the world you are doing and why aren't you doing something you like? Yes? No? Well, I did that today.
For some reason sugar seems to have this hold over my mind. To explain what I mean, I will proceed to tell you about my experience with this today. So, imagine this. I'm sitting in my art class minding my own business when I decided to actually eat my cookie from lunch. Apparently any type of sugar I consume between noon and four in the afternoon just makes me go all wacky as if I had just drank an 18 oz coffee with a double shot. I've never done that before, but I can imagine that it wouldn't go over that well with the people around me.
This situation has occurred a couple times already this year, once actually being attributed to sleep deprivation, and I'm pretty sure that when this does happen I become the most annoying person in the world to the people sitting around me. In the entire class really. But this time, I didn't get the luck to be thrown into a crazy, jumpy mood. Oh no. I was just that blessed to be thrown into this state of complete curiosity and self evaluation. Along with that, of course it just so happened to be that point in the project where I just wanted to smash it and throw it into a nearby garbage...
By the way, I'm trying to sculpt a house cat and it's not working out so well. Anyways, back to the point, I eat my cookie and almost five minutes later I'm overcome with these deep thoughts and can't seem to focus on my project. So I try to fix this, stopping work for a moment to resolve this sudden problem with myself so I can continue peacefully. But this problem was much more than just me being criticizing about my life.
This next part may sound a little weird. Brace yourselves. I was overcome with the urge to ask people questions about themselves. I know! It's totally out of character for me. Usually I don't ask people about things, but for some reason I suddenly felt like I don't know anybody. I don't know why. I just felt like the people that I call my friends, or even best friends, I don't even know anything about.
Anticapting something dreadful, the people by me prepare for "off the wall" me. That part of me consists of me asking questions and making little tiny observations every 10 seconds and that seems to be a wee bit annoying. So naturally, to protect themselves from this they would answer my questions with sarcasm or laugh or make fun of me and for some reason I just keep getting more and more frustrated. I couldn't word anything right, I couldn't speak my thoughts accurately and on top of it all it just so happened that the one time I was actually being sincere in my questions and actions the people around me weren't taking me seriously.
I don't know how often this happens to you guys, but generally I keep to myself. I answer and ask questions to be polite. I hold up a conversation with someone if they seem to want to talk about something on their mind. I only ask the occasional personal question so I can somewhat know someone better, but this feeling of complete need to learn things about the people around me is new. I've never experienced it before and in reality, it sort of freaked me out.
Suddenly I was belting out all these questions, "What do you want to do when you get out of highschool?" or "where would you want to live, ideally?" or "have you ever thought about...?" etc. It just went on and on and the part that was different than usual was that I actually was waiting for the answer. I wanted to know what they had to say about the subject. I guess this just seemed so significant because recently I've felt somewhat disconnected from everybody.
Don't get me wrong. My family, friends, and generally people around me try to get me to talk and I do have interesting conversations with people but I've found that I'm always trying to weasel out of it. I start scooting away, inch by inch to show I have to leave when I really don't have anywhere to go. People say "hi" in passing and sometimes walk beside me, initiating a conversation but I can't seem to do anything beyond the polite necessary replies. Sometimes I get sucked into something and actively participate, but nothing seems... real I guess.
But this afternoon I seemed to have broken the barrier. I finally genuinely want to learn more and talk to someone and it gets completely shut out. Just my luck. So I guess I can try to get that feeling back again, but I can't promise it. I'll try for the sake of you guys. Next time, I'll be back with an update. Until then, I hope you have a good day.

Sleek as Steel

Right now, I am proud to say that I am typing this post from my new computer. Honestly, this feeling of joy can only be described as one you might get from buying yourself some big electronic device. Also some exciting fact to tell about right now, is that I am currently spending the weekend at my father's cabin and it is quite enjoyable to take a look around from the comfy couch I am lounging on and see wooden pieces of furniture and structure all around me. It's very relaxing. So, with that I am going to return to enjoying my weekend and new computer, although I can update you on the book addiction and I believe that despite my prediction that it may be trampled along by the new laptop... the opposite may have just occurred. It will probably actually only fuel that addiction.

Can't Stop

Lately, since I haven't been able to access a computer for anything other than homework I've been looking into another interest besides watching tv. And it just so happens to be a worse thing than the previously mentioned. Books. Now I know that from the outside they don't seem threatening, unless it's Crime and Punishment, but they have been sucking up my life. Admittedly I did seem to escape this problem by going skiing with friends this last Saturday and Sunday, but I find myself now counting down the words I need to type to have an exceptionally well lengthed post while still anxiously waiting to continue on to the next chapter. I'm not proud to say this in the least, mostly because it will probably do horrible wonders to my procrastination, but I have followed down my older sisters path once forged. The inevitable spiral downwards into multiple stories of wit and charm that will have me wrapped up in blankets for all my upcoming afternoons. I, painstakingly admit that I have started another bender of endlessly reading novels until my eyes hurt or the time shown on the clock reminds me of a early start to the next day. I, wholeheartedly state now to you that I have an new, unbreakable addiction to books and hope you will see me through to the end where I will most likely recieve my new laptop later this week and rid myself of this productive yet entirely life wrecking situation. I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I shall go back to my book to read hopefully half of it tonight. 

Frustrations

This post is going to be rather short, I should warn you. My computer is reaching its last few hours of life indefinately so I am currently on my dear loving younger sister's monster of a laptop. Since I am only loaning it for homework purposes, and she doesn't know that it also includes this quick post, I'll be curt.
I don't have a wonderfully intellectally thought provoking prompt today. I just wanted to a song that I have recently found that I believe is quite brilliantly. As of late, I have been extremely interested in the artist, Lena Katina, that was in the band t.A.T.u. I guess the reason for this sudden interest happened to be because of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics where Russia entered the opening ceremony with the Russian version of the song "They're Not Gonna Get Us" by said artist. So, without further ado because I need to resume my homework session, here is a recent song with Lena Katina in it that I rather enjoy highly.

Dug Out of the Past

Even though I'm not that old, only 16 years, I look upon when I was 7 as if it was a lifetime ago. Cobwebs have settled on the memories and remembering them is similar to crawling around in the attic of my brain. Digging through boxes, blowing the dust off into a slightly brown cloud. As I search around in the categories labeled various things, I come upon the one bearing the name "Music". My hands fumble with the lid, and finally it snaps open with a loud crack. And just as this happens titles, artists, album names and pictures float up into the air with the dust. My eyes wander among the words, searching and as I recognize each and every one, the trigger is pulled and the memories flood in. Some more recent. Others as far back as I can think of.
I stretch my arm out, grasping for the floating names. My fingertip happens to make contact with one and the sounds automatically fill the room. Drums, guitar, voice fill my head. The tune plays out and I reach out again. Touching multiple at the same time, mixing them together. Counting Crows plays over the top of Goo Goo Dolls. Rob Thomas accompanies Alanis Morissette and the instrumental of The Wallflowers' 'One Headlight' sings out in the background. As each title is touched, it lights up with a blue glow. Walls portray this hue and the dark is pushed further and further back into the corners. The Music melts the cobwebs away and as each song passes by, another series of memories are pulled from various boxes surrounding me. Finally as the Music dies down and the creak of the boards beneath me is the only thing heard, all but one title is lit up. Others float among the boxes, pulling along the memories behind them like a tail. I scramble up onto my feet, staring up at the dark sequence of words. It can be seen that it reads 'Hotel California' by The Eagles. Standing up on my toes, my finger is outstretched towards it. I can feel the slightest electric charge shoot through my fingertip as the words light up, blue overtaking the entire room. The first notes of the guitar fill the air, and the last of the boxes fly open, exploding with memories from the past. Words begin to seep into my head, and I sit down in the middle of the bare room. All the thoughts whiz by, but nothing penetrates the sound of the lyrics being sung. The seconds tick by as it all whirls around me, relishing in the past.

Flash

Tonight I was driving to my piano lesson and while heading into town at 6:00 pm I noticed that there was an abundance of traffic on the other side of the road and very little on mine. And of course I know that's because the average time to get off of work or leave town is around dinner time, which happens to be 5:30-7:00 pm, but that is beside the point. This only led to the following thoughts before I resumed my very crackled, but entertaining singing to Lana Del Rey.
As cars were passing by in groups of five I managed to first look at each individual car. How it was unique from the other four surrounding it. Then I studied the model. What kind of person might be driving this car home. I'd see a four runner and think, family. A pickup and automatically a vision of a old dirt road, engulfed by trees on either side. A sedan with a nice suburban house, porch lights on. Welcoming to the parent, adult, worker, friend. And within these last few milliseconds of analysis I'd look even closer. Peer through the windshield and gaze at the driver. The verge of darkness falling upon the sky masking the features just enough to let my mind create a muffled picture to match to the appropriate car. And just for a second, I'd imagine that I could get a five second preview of their day.
What might have happened in another person's day? Did they have a desk job? Clicking keys away at the computer all day like I am now? Work in a store? Talk to customers and visit in attempt to convince them to buy a product? Or a coffee shop owner? Making espresso's all day long? Seeing the look on the persons face when they finally receive their caffeine intake? What if someone had that ability? See other people's life just for that day... what that would look like. How they speak. Act. Think.
The last thought that this brought to me while all these things ran through my mind, was how people would maybe, just maybe, be able to get a glimpse into my day. Have a five second preview. And would I offer an entertaining five seconds? If my day was boiled down to that five seconds, would I want to live each minute any differently than I do now?

Steamrolling By

Recently I have happened upon an epiphany. Or at least what one might feel like to me. I was listening to music and doing my homework this previous week when I realized that during this next summer I'm going to have my senior pictures taken. I don't know why this was particularly shocking. It's expected that you take senior pictures during the summer before your senior year of highschool, but for some reason I had a little freak out.

I guess it just wasn't clicking in my brain that, yes, becoming a sophomore is a step closer to the end of high school. But I guess I was preoccupied with finally being able to drive myself to school and that year of perfect solitary car rides. It was wonderful. I always sing in front of my younger sister when she is in the car anyways but something about being completely alone and having that guaranteed 20 minutes to and from school every weekday was comforting. It was also easier to organize things. 

But as my junior year rolled around, even then my thoughts didn't become steered towards the impending events of growing up. Oh no. I was just trying to keep my 4.0 gpa and I just knew that I only had two more years to become the best runner I could. Never did I consider that in two years I was gonna get kicked out of the house and off to college. Now that's what freaked me out. Of course I've been forced to participate in all the college fairs and information sign ups and categorizing of what field you want to go into and what career you are planning on persuing. But I guess that I've just been pushing that away all this time. "What? I got mail from a college? Oh, better put in the pile that sits in the dark corner of my closet and hide it behind my Christmas decorations." "An email? Oh how wonderful. I'll just open it so it doesn't show the annoying little unread '1' sign and then proceed to put it in the 'Colleges' folder where I will never look at it again." A friend asks me what my plans are for after high school? Honestly, I have no idea whatsoever. Teachers make me pick out three preferred colleges to learn about? I'll just use the ones I heard my older sister consider when she was looking. Ask for a career to research and use as an example for all these painfully intricate activities for my "career-finding" required class. I'll just use my older sister's dream job of being a vet. Because I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to go. And all the while I'm freaking out about this major problem teachers are asking what you want and forcing you to plan it now, friends are asking and comparing to each other and just saying "don't worry. You'll discover what you want. There's no need to freak out. You'll be fine. Just give it time." Well I can't fricken give it time! Colleges are shoving pamphlets in my face and realitives are asking what I want to do and I just don't know! I don't know.

It's not so easy to actually be in this situation. Believe it or not, the problem of you not knowing what college to apply to must be nice. Because at least you've decided on what you want to do so you can at least consider stuff like that. But no, I can't do that or have the luck to be in that situation. I can't even look at colleges because I don't even know what field to look into. Do I want to an artist? Maybe. A doctor? That sounds great. A coach? Sure, why not. A dentist? Yeah. Teeth are interesting. A business woman? Okay.

I don't even know where to start and it's freaking me out. Tests are being shoved in my face. "Better do good because your college will look at this closely!" I sign up for classes while someone over my shoulder comments, "So are you taking these because that's what your college looks for?" My parents hand me one after another college pamphlet and I just throw it into the closet.

And to add onto this, next year is when I'm supposed to apply for scholarships. Go on college visits. Research options. Start packing my life up and having the last few great memories with my friends before we head off to the rest of our lives. But I can't help but think that while other kids will be shoving boxes into cars and driving towards their future I'll just be sitting in the driveway. Head on the steering wheel, playing "which destination sounds coolest" with the map. Eennie Minnie moe with the states. Pick a letter to find a town and just doing that, because at least that has some kind of direction. Because at this point, I'm just walking along with my head down, hood up, hiding from the paparazzi of colleges and next life decisions. I don't know what I want. It's not that I don't want to grow up. I just wish I would have an epiphany about what career I want rather than that the time for that to happen is coming to a close.

Wrapped Up in an Addiction

My favorite TV show just ended on Thursday and I've been mindlessly searching for another thing to preoccupy my entertainment needs. Of course I could just find a book to read, but I find that hard to do being that I am currently reading Crime and Punishment for my IB English class and don't have the ability to read two books at one time. The TV show that just ended happens to be White Collar and it's a very intellectually stimulating show that I happen to learn a lot of facts from regarding different things dealing with art and crime solving. I don't believe that all of it's accurate, but one can dream. Anyways, if anybody likes crime solving shows mixed with entertaining banter and a good puzzle within a forty minute segment I suggest you watch White Collar. Or at least just watch the first episode and see what I'm talking about. So in attempt to fix this problem of my show ending, I have stumbled upon a relatively new one called Suits. I guess I have found my replacement and just wanted to inform you upon this in case you ended up in my situation somehow. I hope if you watch Suits or White Collar you like it, and it would be great to know your opinion.