Steamrolling By

Recently I have happened upon an epiphany. Or at least what one might feel like to me. I was listening to music and doing my homework this previous week when I realized that during this next summer I'm going to have my senior pictures taken. I don't know why this was particularly shocking. It's expected that you take senior pictures during the summer before your senior year of highschool, but for some reason I had a little freak out.

I guess it just wasn't clicking in my brain that, yes, becoming a sophomore is a step closer to the end of high school. But I guess I was preoccupied with finally being able to drive myself to school and that year of perfect solitary car rides. It was wonderful. I always sing in front of my younger sister when she is in the car anyways but something about being completely alone and having that guaranteed 20 minutes to and from school every weekday was comforting. It was also easier to organize things. 

But as my junior year rolled around, even then my thoughts didn't become steered towards the impending events of growing up. Oh no. I was just trying to keep my 4.0 gpa and I just knew that I only had two more years to become the best runner I could. Never did I consider that in two years I was gonna get kicked out of the house and off to college. Now that's what freaked me out. Of course I've been forced to participate in all the college fairs and information sign ups and categorizing of what field you want to go into and what career you are planning on persuing. But I guess that I've just been pushing that away all this time. "What? I got mail from a college? Oh, better put in the pile that sits in the dark corner of my closet and hide it behind my Christmas decorations." "An email? Oh how wonderful. I'll just open it so it doesn't show the annoying little unread '1' sign and then proceed to put it in the 'Colleges' folder where I will never look at it again." A friend asks me what my plans are for after high school? Honestly, I have no idea whatsoever. Teachers make me pick out three preferred colleges to learn about? I'll just use the ones I heard my older sister consider when she was looking. Ask for a career to research and use as an example for all these painfully intricate activities for my "career-finding" required class. I'll just use my older sister's dream job of being a vet. Because I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to go. And all the while I'm freaking out about this major problem teachers are asking what you want and forcing you to plan it now, friends are asking and comparing to each other and just saying "don't worry. You'll discover what you want. There's no need to freak out. You'll be fine. Just give it time." Well I can't fricken give it time! Colleges are shoving pamphlets in my face and realitives are asking what I want to do and I just don't know! I don't know.

It's not so easy to actually be in this situation. Believe it or not, the problem of you not knowing what college to apply to must be nice. Because at least you've decided on what you want to do so you can at least consider stuff like that. But no, I can't do that or have the luck to be in that situation. I can't even look at colleges because I don't even know what field to look into. Do I want to an artist? Maybe. A doctor? That sounds great. A coach? Sure, why not. A dentist? Yeah. Teeth are interesting. A business woman? Okay.

I don't even know where to start and it's freaking me out. Tests are being shoved in my face. "Better do good because your college will look at this closely!" I sign up for classes while someone over my shoulder comments, "So are you taking these because that's what your college looks for?" My parents hand me one after another college pamphlet and I just throw it into the closet.

And to add onto this, next year is when I'm supposed to apply for scholarships. Go on college visits. Research options. Start packing my life up and having the last few great memories with my friends before we head off to the rest of our lives. But I can't help but think that while other kids will be shoving boxes into cars and driving towards their future I'll just be sitting in the driveway. Head on the steering wheel, playing "which destination sounds coolest" with the map. Eennie Minnie moe with the states. Pick a letter to find a town and just doing that, because at least that has some kind of direction. Because at this point, I'm just walking along with my head down, hood up, hiding from the paparazzi of colleges and next life decisions. I don't know what I want. It's not that I don't want to grow up. I just wish I would have an epiphany about what career I want rather than that the time for that to happen is coming to a close.