Dreams: Deep Down Insecurities

Just a few minutes ago I was avoiding my homework, standing in the middle of my room, flicking a dime into the air and letting it drop into my hand. To explain this you need to know that about three weeks ago I found this dime on the floor in school. I can't remember when but the rest of that entire day it kept me occupied and it just so happened that this particular day was dragging on and on. It wasn't a very pleasant day to begin with and somehow that little dime got me through it. So since then it has traveled from my jeans pocket to my dresser and back again. And no matter how many times I moved it from one place to another I couldn't seem to lose that little sucker, so naturally I decided on default that it was worth keeping. For the past week or so it's been sitting on my dresser. And occasionally when I don't know what to do or know what to do (homework) and don't want to do it, I pick it up and flip it a couple times. It sails into the air as I delight in the slight "ping" sound it makes, shining in the light and landing down on my hand. I don't know why this process captures me so and I will probably never know, but that is beside the point. Just to clarify what all that above was useful for was pointing out the significance of that little dime. So as I stood in my room, flipping that dime up and down in the air, concentrating on catching it, something occurs to me. But I will tell this later. For now, I will provide you will this completely related but entirely different train of thought that I had.

I feel as if I am a natural writer and sometimes I am randomly hit with a revalation of something to put into one of my current stories.

And this revalation just so happens to be based off of my dreams. Today I was in art class and somehow the conversation turned to the subject of dreams. I have had a variety of dreams. Ranging from nightmares containing irrational fears and ridiculous situations to more realistic stories. And as we were discussing all the different ranges of dreams a thought occurred to me. I, like any other person, have had many nightmares with fears of wolves, drowning, and physical contact. Wait what? Back up there? Did she just say physical contact? Yes. Yes I did. And this is what prompted the revalation when flipping the dime. As I discussed dreams with my classmates I happened to let it slip that I had dreams where I physically felt like I was being touched while in a dream and it was because of this feeling that I freaked out and woke up. Kinda weird right? To explain this more I will trust in you guys some of my dreams. The first is the least severe of all, but one of the weirdest. I happened to be currently writing down dreams when I had this one the night before. So here is my summarization of it. 

 ********* walks up to me while I'm getting stuff out of my locker and offers me a hand up. I stare at him and he doesn't withdraw it, looking at me with a smile. I ask him why he's holding his hand out and turn and sit hugging my knees, staring up at him as he still stares down at me.

This is what I wrote when I woke up and the *** act as a sensor for what name was really there. And I'm just going to say that this person, boy, was not just random but happened to be a guy I currently had a crush on at the time. I don't know why I had a dream like this but it wasn't just this. This same sort of situation transferred into another dream. And as it came to freaky realistic in the last dream I have had about it to date I looked back and realized I had a dream almost exactly a year ago similar to the one described above. Here is it's summary I wrote:

 I only remember a small part but I am in a huge modern city and  I am waiting at a bus stop. Everything in silver and shines brightly. I sit down to wait on the side of the road and ******** is with me and he sits down behind me. I lean back against his chest and he wraps his arms around me. We sit there, and I snuggle my face into his chest.

This guy also happened to be a different guy I had a crush on. So I began to wonder, do I have a craving for physical contact or am I actually afraid of it. Then I proceeded to have the dream below containing the same guy from the first dream described:

 I am in my room, watching things on my laptop and am messaging ******* when suddenly the door bursts open and he is standing right there. I gasp in surprise and look around my room to see if anything embarrassing is up. He looks around slowly and says he likes my room a lot and he lays down on the bed, my laptop between us.

I know that by now you guys are probably wondering what this has to do with the dime. I assure you, it will connect, just bear with me. And finally, because I trust you guys so much (and the anonymity helps a lot) this is the final dream I had. Now, keep in mind the following things.

1. I have never had a boyfriend

2. This means I have never been kissed

3. This also means that I have only been hugged by a guy four times in my life

4. I didn't grow up with touchy feely parents

5. My siblings and I were also not touchy feely

Overall, I'm not a touchy feely person and generally that sort of stuff freaks me out. I get all squirmish and I duck away from incoming embraces. I actually back away from hugs and once a friend decided to surprise hug me (this also happens to be the guy from the 1st and 3rd dreams that I had a major crush on) and I proceeded to stiffen my entire body and let out a tiny squeak of discomfort while just standing there as he hugged me. And afterward for an entire week I stayed a distance of at least an arms length away. So now, with all this background I will show you the dream summary below: 

I faintly remember this but I had a dream last night and it had something to do with me and a crew being a secret spy team and going into a building that we are going to clear out. There is a guy on my team that I am involved with and I remember being in a room alone. He's standing on the opposite side and says something. I walked over and we are just standing close in front of each other, exploring our eyes, when I stand on my tip toes up to him and pull his lips into a kiss. It was also my first kiss in the dream because I didn't know what to do but I sucked on his bottom lip and released and lost myself in the middle, not knowing what to do until he pulled mine in and took my bottom lip in between his own. It was so realistically weird in a way that I almost felt like it was real. I could feel the wetness of his lips on mine and the heat radiating into my skin. And his hands gripped my hips and pulled me against him. I arched my stomach into his hips and could feel the fabric of his jeans rubbing against my shirt.

Ridiculous right? The weirdest thing though was that I woke up and felt unbelievably awkward. And the guy was even completely random!

So now, in attempt to tie this all together I will go back to the dime thing. So as I stand in my room, tossing this dime up into the air to let it fall back down time slows down and my mind kicks into overdrive. My dreams listed above all come rushing back to me and churn in the river of my thoughts. And finally, the revalation that breaks to the surface, the one that prompted this entire post. Tying back to my insecurities, my identity as a writer, my reputation for being shy and physically conservative, my also equal desire for a boyfriend. The one thought that makes me write all this out. As the dime falls through the air, circling and shining in my eyes, I put upon myself this ultimatum. If I were to be in one of my characters place and be alone in a room with a guy. And he asks if he can kiss me, would I leave all that to chance and say "heads you can, tails you can't"? Would I? Would you? Would you leave any of your most life changing decisions to a game of chance in fear that what you may have independently decided is not the best desicion? That is the question that will haunt me tonight. Will I keep living my life in hopes of what will happen in the future while analyzing the past, or will I just leave the most difficult desicions to the moment they occur?